A Frenzy Of Requests

"Mom, when is snack?"

"Mommy, will you hold me?"

"Mommy, can I watch a show?"

"Mommy, will you help me?"

"Mommy, I'm done" (they echo from the toilet)

"Mommy, will you get my water?"

"Mommieeee she's hitting me!"

"Mommy, I dropped my car, will you get it?"

"Oh mommy, you forgot to cut my sandwich."

"Mommy? Can I get up now? Mommy?"

Somedays I lock myself in our guest room when the kids aren't looking, and I'll slowly slide to the floor and rest my head against the door. 

While I'm sneaking away, I'll recall the days I so desperately wanted a home full of loud, busy kids. I remember weeping because it was so quiet, and my sweet newborn was not with us to fill our house with cries for our help. I remember the quiet and how it was sometimes so unbearable that it was the very thing that led me to Jesus. I remember the pleas for help to not lose the hope that I knew was mine in Christ. 

Before I unlock the door to face the requests of my kiddos again, I'll remember when I was without them.

I guess I didn't realize how God would answer my cries. I know he answered them in the moment, filling me with hope from the Spirit and comforting me in my sorrow. But he also answered them by giving us four more children who are full of things to say, things they need and questions they have.

My heart longed for these things but my mind and body are also weak so I get weary of these requests I longed for. I'm tired, quickly angered and asking them to take breaks from their requests.

But most times my voice isn't showing patience when I ask them to put a cap on their requests.

So of course, the Spirit is doing his work and showing me how the Lord has already done this perfectly for me and that I am weak and need his help. But what does my children's questions have to do with the Lord?

God has asked his own children in Philippians 4:6 to make their requests known to him. And he has way more than a few kids. His children are everywhere around the globe, and he invites them to be making their requests known at every hour they need. He tells them not to be anxious and try to deal with their anxiety alone but to tell him and bring their questions and their need. 

I realized that I am reflecting God's patience and love by having an ear for my children's requests. I can help them in showing them how to ask and teach them self control, but also bear with their questions and needs. We have a Father who listens and asks us to make our requests known, and I think my kids can know Jesus in a really special and unique way when I also hear them and make our home a safe place for their curious and needy hearts. 

I'm hoping that if I'm patient with their requests and listen with a loving ear, that they will one day feel the freedom to bring their needy hearts to the throne of Jesus.

My Mom Who Planted Seeds

When I think of someone who is dedicated to loving her family and being sacrificial with time, I think of my mother. As she raised me to love Jesus and love people, she had no idea what she was getting herself into once I got married and we started our own family.

My mother loved me growing up in ways that have effected me forever. She patiently walked through my difficult stages of childhood, not giving up on me and always helping me to honor the Lord in all that I do. When I was very young, my mom was very consistent in helping me see that God put her and my dad in charge, and that led to my understanding of God being in charge of all things in my life and that he works all things together for the good of those who love him. 

All that training to love Jesus and love people gave way to me loving orphans. Now, she's a grandma to several grandchildren, and two of them are adopted by the grace of God.

Now, as I have kids of my own, my mom has served me in ways that still blow my mind. She lives out the truth that all time belongs to God, even if that means dropping her giant to-do list to come watch kids for me to go to the doctor. ( or help me with bedtime, or the afternoon tantrums, or when I'm sick, or when the kids are sick or....everything!) 

 Give this woman a Diet Coke and she's ready to take on anything.

My mom showed me that all the hard work of motherhood is worth the waiting. Planting seeds and trusting God is what he calls us to. Thank you mom for loving me! I am so grateful for you!

Happy Mother's Day!

  

The Lord Is Communing Mith Me In The Murky Lake

                                            

I fed Adley for the last time before going to sleep, hoping she'd allow me to get at least a good cat nap before she needed me again, but I think a cat would have slept better than me. Adley woke up at midnight, 2:15 and 4:45. After the last feeding, I gently laid her back down, and then my 5am alarm went off. I pushed the snooze button and started to walk back to bed. I stood at the doorway, very tempted to lay back on that pillow. I knew things ran much smoother when I got up before the children, but I was also exhausted. I gave it another minute of thought, then prayed for help and walked downstairs to start the blessed coffee.

As I poured the coffee into the cup, I poured all my trust in there with it. "As long as I get a few cups of in, I can gather myself and be patient with the children today."
 I didn't fully realize I had directed this thought towards an unknown pagan god of coffee as I sat down on the couch to pray to the one true Living God and read his word, (thank God for his patience).

I opened my Bible, and began to read a little with tired eyes. I was just making my way into a passage and ready to gain strength for the day when the baby monitor crackled. Sure enough, Adley began to cry. I waited, and waited, but she did not stop. Before I made the climb up the stairs, my head fell into my hands and I prayed one last prayer before my time alone was done:
"Lord, I tried. I want to rise early and meet with you before my day begins. I want to hear from you and read and pray before my kids wake up. I have done everything I can to make this happen, and yet you have allowed my baby to wake again and it has interuppted my time with you. It's your power that causes them sleep and to awaken them, so why right now? How am I supposed to commune with you in this long season of busy life?"
I lifted my head, feeling more tired than before. The other monitor lit up as a voice loudly cried.
"Mommy I have to poo poo!"

This is a picture of what my nights and the early hours of the morning can look like for me. For a long time I have struggled with joy and thankfulness that God calls me to as his child. I love my children tremendously, they are deeply precious to me. But what I struggled with is feeling (rather believing the lie) that God cuts me short in my time with him, or for some reason it seems he doesn't provide the time. I believed that my only time to hear from God and receive help and wisdom was before my children woke up. I thought my only hope for being kind and patient with my children was if I had read my Bible, put the dishes away and put some kind of order to our downstairs before they came down.  And if none of these were able to happen? You could just forget any kindness and gentleness (or any fruits of the spirit really) from me.

But over the last month The Lord has revealed all the ugly that has been going on in my heart. It sounds strange, especially after reading this, how obvious it should all seem, but I was blind to how much I really have been relying on my own strength to do what God has called me to do.

When I read Colossians 3 and how God calls us to walk and talk like a child of God with patience and gentleness and to be thankful, I don't have to feel burdened. I used to, but God is rescuing me. Because if I read the chapter before, I'll find Colossians  2:14 tells me that God has canceled the record of debt I owe by nailing it to the cross of his Son. And even further back in Colossians 1: 20 we are told that Christ's work on the cross not only cancels the debt we owe for sin, but then he also presents us holy and blameless before God. So God isn't holding a record against me of all the times I have failed with my children (or put my trust in the pagan god of coffee), he's erased it and is conforming me into the image of his Son, so I am free to pursue gentleness and patience with my kids and start over in repentance again and again, not burdened to pursue it, but free.

While rising early before the children is still my goal each day, God has shown me that it's not where my hope lies, and it's not the only time he wants to commune with me. It's not only the quiet, alone times he wants to talk to me, make me like Jesus, and bring to mind his Word so that I might fight sin. He isn't just the God of help for early morning times of trouble, but the God who is our very present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1).
I have found that it's also in the moments when the baby rises early that the Spirit asks me: Now, will you trust that The Lord will sustain you even if your plans did not pan out? Will you trust he's making you look more like Jesus by sacrificing your time alone to care for these children? Will trust that you can still obey and walk in patience even without the planned time of reading? Yes, it's those times I can serve The Lord with gladness (Psalm 100:2)

I have found that God is making me more like his Son and communing with me not just before my kids refuse to listen, but when I'm actually swimming IN the pool (or is it more like a dirty, murky lake?) of disobedience from them, and they have fought hard against my instruction for hours, and I have done everything in my power to warn them: "Listen to me! We don't have to drown today! Listen to my instruction! Listen quickly!" It's in those waters God has shown me 2 Thessalonians 3:5-

"May God direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ."

That has been a life-giving verse for me when I feel I'm drowning in the murky lake of disobedience inside the walls of my house, alone, when no one else can see but The Lord. And that verse quickly helps me fight in two ways: 1. The Lord loves both my children and me deeply, so my heart can quickly reach for thankfulness. 2. Jesus is steadfast and never runs out of patience and love towards those laid down his life for.

So I don't have to throw in the towel, because Jesus never does.

Adoption Day

Yesterday was a day we will never ever forget. We adopted our precious children and named them Judson and Talitha Blanco. The last year in a half has been a tremendous test of our faith and full of new ways to trust The Lord with each day. I have seen my weakness, I have had thousands of tears. I have also had to run to Jesus many days and I get to experience his strength and the joy that comes from depending on him. 

Judson is an active, athletic, hilarious little boy. And God has grown him in so many ways to calm his little heart, to trust us as mommy and daddy, and really love his family. He's starting to help me with his siblings, bless his heart, he's only 3 and he's wanting to be the man of the house when daddy's at work. He will one day be incredibly gifted at baseball, basketball and drums. Seriously. He also loves our parents, his forever grandparents. And he has two best buddies, Truett and Nathan. 

Talitha is spunky, hilarious, loud and stunningly beautiful. She keeps us active, and we chase her all day. She's interested in all things breakable, all things with a plug-in and her current favorite is the computer keyboard which also serves as her drum. She looks up to Judson and really loves him. She is in love with daddy, he means the world to her, I'm so grateful for Ernie as her daddy. He is such a gift of a godly daddy in her life. We think she will be a great dancer, she's got some rhythm starting.

So we are now forever a family of 6. God has met us in our times of need and brought us this day of adoption in his amazing kindness and mercy. We love you Judson and Talitha!

                                    

Our Days

These days are warm and busy. We are looking forward to snuggly clothes and mommy lighting too many pumpkin candles while baking too many pumpkin treats. Summer is closing. It has been fun with many learning experiences, transitions and enjoying a new baby.

Some of us are learning to feed our babies.

Some of us like getting into mischief  with good buddies.

Everyone is growing like a weed, causing mommy a lot of tears.

She spots ehpains! (airplanes)

She's in love with daddy (me too).

Some still think Rufus is the best playmate.

ALL are learning to close the door!

His has a love for Spiderman. "mightaman"

A pretty girl came with us on daddy's work trip to Portland.

We're enjoying lots of rain.

And adding to our rolls.

Of to dinner prep! Hope to be back soon.

A Mini Photo shoot

Yesterday while my 2 year olds slept I did a little photo shoot of this pretty girl to celebrate her 3 months of life. She's been a precious part of our family, I'm so grateful for her.

We hope to soon show our sweet collection of pictures of our two other beautiful kiddos!

I couldn't get Ernie grumpy pants to give me too many smiles yesterday, but he was still super cute, him and his cars right now...he's always got one in each hand. He's getting so big my heart just aches.

Rememberance: Where there's no straining for my eyes to see

I am sitting in the quiet of my living room as little ones sleep. This pregnancy has led me to eating lunch around 10:15 rather than noon. So as I unashamedly finish off a plate of spaghetti by mid morning, I sit here thinking about this new little one that has continued to grow inside me.

The gift of children has been quite the journey for us. For two and a half years God has lifted my eyes to trust him as he tells me that his 'word is upright and all his work is done in faithfulness' Psalm 33:4, a life giving verse for me in the midst of a trial that wanted to suck the life out of me.

As we first kissed our firstborn and buried him into the ground in the same week, the Lord stood guard over my heart from the hungry sins of bitterness, anger, and hopelessness who were always tempting me in my hours of sorrow. But The Lord stood in my sorrow, loudly declaring for me that if he did not spare his own son for my sin how could he also not provide me all things?
Since then, every pregnancy has been a step of faith onto a path to which the final destination is not visible. We cannot strain our eyes and squint hard enough to make sure we see a baby down the road that will survive after birth. What we can see is the Lord's faithfulness to us before, where there's no straining or squinting for our eyes to see. God has shown Ernie and I the power of remembering what He has done.

So I lay here, feeling the kicks of a little girl squirming inside me and I pray that she continues to kick and move and jump for 15 more weeks. I want her to live. I want to watch her grow and watch our son care for his younger sister. I do not want to place her in the ground. But my hope is not in a living child. My hope is that God emptied his anger and wrath on his son. He showed his son no mercy so that he could freely give mercy to me. In light of this hope, I can walk in faith with bearing or not bearing children, raising them or burying them.

Blow-Out Diapers an Food Throwers, they keep me close to Jesus

Hi there, yes it's true I am alive and well. May was my last post which was long ago and much has happened. I think it's a convenient time to write as I see my son make the "more" sign to his sister to throw the ball and stretch out his arms (so cute), their quick baby game of catch might buy me some time.


God has let us still keep these kiddos, so the home is busy and we hope that they permanently stay with us! But it's been a test of faith for me.


(babies have now found the spice drawer as we speak, and there's a snow fall of dried basil)


For Ernie and I the demand of needs is high around here, and it's not easy for me to find my joy in Jesus when we can't pin point tummy issues that lead to blow out diapers daily, and the fact that our sweet little girl just wants to throw food and not eat lately. All kiddos have trouble sharing so there's a lot of little hands smacking, grabbing and pinching until they are are satisfied with the pain of their sibling. Our two year old has found all the convenient times to disobey, like when I'm changing the blow out diaper. That looks like a bad one, he says to himself, she's not going to chase me with that pile to clean up. I better...go grab her iphone, she left it on the side table again.



Baby Ernie has decided to only stay on a diet of bananas and peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes he surprises us and eats peas. It's always encouraging when a sitter or my mom talks about all the things he ate for them. Somehow he will survive, this I know. Still, in the meantime I think about how hard I worked on that chicken alfredo pasta, sneaking in small bits of broccoli and he's pouting his cute lower lip requesting a "nana?" Of course you can have your nana, your lower lip gets me every time, baby E. Even if you do throw the alfredo.


CPS is difficult, and the waiting for any information can be endless. Even so, all decisions and actions are being governed by the sweet hand of the Lord. Even if you do feel like their lives are going to be decided by people who barely know the kids who are with you. I came home this week from a frustrating meeting that we thought would give us some kind of clarity of the kids situation, even just a small bit of news. But we walked away with nothing. It was then I realized more than ever that my intense situation at home that has high needs, emotional roller coasters through CPS, and tiny hearts who sin, is keeping me dependent on Jesus, just not in a way I expect or would like to.


I opened Psalm 104. It's a good read. I felt so much anger towards late paperwork and people not making good decisions and panicked that somebody is going to make a mistake about the life of my kids. But you see, God raises mountains and pushes down valleys until he's satisfied with their place. He speaks to the grass so it will grow for animals. He brings rain for trees so that they are a place where birds have safe homes. Lions roar and hunt, waiting for their prey to be given into their hand by God alone. The sun obeys his command when it is time to set. He provides food for man and animal, and when he takes their breath, they die.



God knows his plan for my children, and his hands are working even now, at a time that I feel is a stand still. When their paper work is set aside for another date, God is still showing my children more about himself through their time in our home. For all the people legally involved, strangers to us yet involved in our lives and coming in and out of our home, God is pointing them to himself saying "This family does not have the patience or resources to do this on their own, it's me who sustains them". All this he is doing while he is at the same time talking to the ground to grow more grass in the mountains I can see from my window.


As for my time at home with the everyday tasks, God has made it clear that I do not reflect his character of being "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" (Psalm 103:8). My tone is harsh when I'm tired, my husband gently told me today. What a great picture of God my kids could see if I were slow to anger, but I'm not. So, I ask my two year old for forgiveness (which he thinks I'm asking him to say 'sorry' every time this happens, which I have to point fingers to myself over and over: "No MOMMY is sorry!!"), in asking for forgiveness from my two year old I am praying he can see mommy needs Jesus just like him.



Also, I have found one way to fight my sin when I cannot pick up a Bible or meditate on any scripture in the moment. You too should try it, it's very effective. Buy a few albums of Lecrae, Flame, Trip Lee or Tedashii. Because they will rap the gospel at you straight from the Word, so go ahead and turn it on loud. They aren't afraid to shake you and wake you up. We are fortunate to have a second car, so sometimes I strap all kids in just to drive and listen:


I make war!
Cause sin never sleeps
It's got me in a trance
You can see it in my dreams
I make war!
Man I beat my flesh
To the death, every breath
Like I beat my chest
I make war
Sun up
I make war
Sun down
I make war
Time in
I make war
Time out
I make war
Against lust
Against pride
Against me
Until I die



-Tedashii

Our Christmas baby

I haven't updated on Ernie Brooks' months since 5 months. He's in his 7 month now...oops. Well, that will still have to wait. It's been busy busy busy. I will say though, he's a whole different boy than a couple months ago, so just hang tight because that update is coming soon.

In the meantime, feast your eyes on some photos of our little one from Christmas day. 

 

Baby Visits Great Grandma

We went on a trip to my old stomping grounds so the baby could visit his great grandma. My grandma is a huge joy in my life, as she has experienced great loss before and her faith in the Lord encourages me as we walk through our loss of Haddon. Just yesterday I found the note she wrote me of encouragment when I was first pregnant with Haddon, and the note she wrote us after he died is on our refrigerator: "happy with Jesus, life unending, could not ask for more." 

So, of course she was anxious to meet our second little boy! That kid did awesome on the plane. Both flights when we were getting off we had moms say "There was a baby here behind me??" or "He didn't make a peep." Of course when he had a major poop it was interesting trying to change him on my lap. At one point I handed the baby to Ernie so I could take a little nap, and when I woke up I told him how I felt so much better. He looked at me and was like, "You were asleep for like two minutes." haha, I guess any shut eye these days is like super fuel.

I forgot to mention, this trip started at three in the morning.  Yeah, we are those people who, if it saves us money, we buy the 6am flight. We were defiitely zombies when we woke up. It was just wake up, feed the baby,  down some coffee and fall into the car. But we made it! 

The coolest thing was Ernie Brooks rolling over for the first time, in front of family!!

He LOVED his great grandma

Some pictures lately

Life's been good. Me and the boys all caught a cold at home, but it's still been good! Here's some pictures of things lately, except Ernie Brooks and his friend Nathan. Gosh that was like a month ago.