Thursday, October 3, 2013

Blow-Out Diapers an Food Throwers, they keep me close to Jesus

Hi there, yes it's true I am alive and well. May was my last post which was long ago and much has happened. I think it's a convenient time to write as I see my son make the "more" sign to his sister to throw the ball and stretch out his arms (so cute), their quick baby game of catch might buy me some time.

God has let us still keep these kiddos, so the home is busy and we hope that they permanently stay with us! But it's been a test of faith for me.

(babies have now found the spice drawer as we speak, and there's a snow fall of dried basil)

For Ernie and I the demand of needs is high around here, and it's not easy for me to find my joy in Jesus when we can't pin point tummy issues that lead to blow out diapers daily, and the fact that our sweet little girl just wants to throw food and not eat lately. All kiddos have trouble sharing so there's a lot of little hands smacking, grabbing and pinching until they are are satisfied with the pain of their sibling. Our two year old has found all the convenient times to disobey, like when I'm changing the blow out diaper. That looks like a bad one, he says to himself, she's not going to chase me with that pile to clean up. I better...go grab her iphone, she left it on the side table again.

Baby Ernie has decided to only stay on a diet of bananas and peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes he surprises us and eats peas. It's always encouraging when a sitter or my mom talks about all the things he ate for them. Somehow he will survive, this I know. Still, in the meantime I think about how hard I worked on that chicken alfredo pasta, sneaking in small bits of broccoli and he's pouting his cute lower lip requesting a "nana?" Of course you can have your nana, your lower lip gets me every time, baby E. Even if you do throw the alfredo.

CPS is difficult, and the waiting for any information can be endless. Even so, all decisions and actions are being governed by the sweet hand of the Lord. Even if you do feel like their lives are going to be decided by people who barely know the kids who are with you. I came home this week from a frustrating meeting that we thought would give us some kind of clarity of the kids situation, even just a small bit of news. But we walked away with nothing. It was then I realized more than ever that my intense situation at home that has high needs, emotional roller coasters through CPS, and tiny hearts who sin, is keeping me dependent on Jesus, just not in a way I expect or would like to.

I opened Psalm 104. It's a good read. I felt so much anger towards late paperwork and people not making good decisions and panicked that somebody is going to make a mistake about the life of my kids. But you see, God raises mountains and pushes down valleys until he's satisfied with their place. He speaks to the grass so it will grow for animals. He brings rain for trees so that they are a place where birds have safe homes. Lions roar and hunt, waiting for their prey to be given into their hand by God alone. The sun obeys his command when it is time to set. He provides food for man and animal, and when he takes their breath, they die.

God knows his plan for my children, and his hands are working even now, at a time that I feel is a stand still. When their paper work is set aside for another date, God is still showing my children more about himself through their time in our home. For all the people legally involved, strangers to us yet involved in our lives and coming in and out of our home, God is pointing them to himself saying "This family does not have the patience or resources to do this on their own, it's me who sustains them". All this he is doing while he is at the same time talking to the ground to grow more grass in the mountains I can see from my window.

As for my time at home with the everyday tasks, God has made it clear that I do not reflect his character of being "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" (Psalm 103:8). My tone is harsh when I'm tired, my husband gently told me today. What a great picture of God my kids could see if I were slow to anger, but I'm not. So, I ask my two year old for forgiveness (which he thinks I'm asking him to say 'sorry' every time this happens, which I have to point fingers to myself over and over: "No MOMMY is sorry!!"), in asking for forgiveness from my two year old I am praying he can see mommy needs Jesus just like him.

Also, I have found one way to fight my sin when I cannot pick up a Bible or meditate on any scripture in the moment. You too should try it, it's very effective. Buy a few albums of Lecrae, Flame, Trip Lee or Tedashii. Because they will rap the gospel at you straight from the Word, so go ahead and turn it on loud. They aren't afraid to shake you and wake you up. We are fortunate to have a second car, so sometimes I strap all kids in just to drive and listen:

I make war!
Cause sin never sleeps
It's got me in a trance
You can see it in my dreams
I make war!
Man I beat my flesh
To the death, every breath
Like I beat my chest
I make war
Sun up
I make war
Sun down
I make war
Time in
I make war
Time out
I make war
Against lust
Against pride
Against me
Until I die


1 comment:

  1. Lisa, there is such power in your words. Words that I need to remember when I am at my wit's end. Sometimes I forget that I myself am a window for my children to see God through. Thanks for the reminder...