What Our Days Are Made Of

"Hi, yes, I need to make arrangements for a funeral. It will be a service for my grandson."

I was making coffee when I heard it. I'll never forget it. I gasped, my knees buckled and I walked towards my bedroom in desperation to be alone to cry. My mom was caring for me by planning the funeral so that I wouldn't have to; a funeral for my son. Haddon was not only our son, but her grandson, it was a loss not only for Ernie and I, but both of our families.

This moment for me was four years ago. Haddon would be a preschooler if the Lord would have kept him alive on earth. Ernie and I have been talking together about how four years feels.

I have many struggles with walking through another year without him. Maybe you also have felt the ache of waiting, yet also having to trust the Lord who gives and takes away.

Four years feels deeper

I don't make it to Haddon's grave often; and it's because I'm busy with good things from the Lord. I did, however, go a couple months ago. The loss felt deeper and the sorrow came as I stood over his gravestone that read: Jesus lives and so shall I, when he returns with Him I'll rise.

I longed for Jesus to return that day and raise this boy of mine so I could embrace him once more.  I know a day is coming when my arms will wrap around him and Jesus will wipe away the final tears from my eyes.

I stood over his grave and felt the affection for him as his mother in a deeper way. The Lord is teaching me and growing me in how to mother my children, which gives me more joy and new desires to love them and care for them, and for me this extends to Haddon, some how. I felt deeper love for him and longed to care for him once again.

The waiting feels harder

Ernie and I were ready for the return of Jesus when we rested Haddon in his grave. The New Heavens and New Earth felt so near to us; and really, they still are. Life is a vapor and eternity will never end. But four years here has started to feel long. I don't want to be 70 years old and visiting his grave, with a mind that will surely forget all the details of my sweet time with him. I want Christ to return soon, so this grief is only but a few short years. We believe God's plans are good for us, but the waiting has become difficult.

God is working in us and our joy is increasing and at the same time our sorrow remains. The truths from this passage are a clear picture of what our hearts feel:

[We live as] sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. 2 Corinthians 6:10

We are sad today, and we will be sad tomorrow. The sorrow we carry will be with us as long as we live. Do you feel this too? But the promise for Christians is that we will never have to carry sorrow without the hope of Christ. Jesus suffered and was crushed so that our earthly sorrow does not have to crush us. He allows deep waters and waves of grief but they will not drown us. We may be 70 years old, our eyes wasting away from grief as we stand over the graves of our sons and daughters, or wading through waters of other deep sorrows that threaten to steal our hope.

We can rejoice in our sorrow. We can't rejoice on our own (I have cried the ugly cries, have you?). The Spirit will lift our eyes to thank God that this loss is not where our hope dies , and that the death and resurrection of Jesus is the steady heartbeat of our sad but hopeful hearts. The Christian hope continues living because it's root is a living Savior.

Sorrow and hope, these are what our days are made of in our family. We miss our boy, yet God has not withheld goodness from us.  We will walk through our years with the hope of Christ while we wait for the day that sorrows will be no more.

Happy 4th birthday to my precious son Haddon Brooks Blanco.

I wouldn't for a second trade your joy with Christ for a cake mix and birthday candles today, but I do miss you and my heart aches to see you.

With all my love, Mom

Rememberance: Where there's no straining for my eyes to see

I am sitting in the quiet of my living room as little ones sleep. This pregnancy has led me to eating lunch around 10:15 rather than noon. So as I unashamedly finish off a plate of spaghetti by mid morning, I sit here thinking about this new little one that has continued to grow inside me.

The gift of children has been quite the journey for us. For two and a half years God has lifted my eyes to trust him as he tells me that his 'word is upright and all his work is done in faithfulness' Psalm 33:4, a life giving verse for me in the midst of a trial that wanted to suck the life out of me.

As we first kissed our firstborn and buried him into the ground in the same week, the Lord stood guard over my heart from the hungry sins of bitterness, anger, and hopelessness who were always tempting me in my hours of sorrow. But The Lord stood in my sorrow, loudly declaring for me that if he did not spare his own son for my sin how could he also not provide me all things?
Since then, every pregnancy has been a step of faith onto a path to which the final destination is not visible. We cannot strain our eyes and squint hard enough to make sure we see a baby down the road that will survive after birth. What we can see is the Lord's faithfulness to us before, where there's no straining or squinting for our eyes to see. God has shown Ernie and I the power of remembering what He has done.

So I lay here, feeling the kicks of a little girl squirming inside me and I pray that she continues to kick and move and jump for 15 more weeks. I want her to live. I want to watch her grow and watch our son care for his younger sister. I do not want to place her in the ground. But my hope is not in a living child. My hope is that God emptied his anger and wrath on his son. He showed his son no mercy so that he could freely give mercy to me. In light of this hope, I can walk in faith with bearing or not bearing children, raising them or burying them.

Hymns: A Help To This Mother's Sorrow

The most glorious thing I enjoy on this earth is singing with others who share the same hope as I do in Jesus. I enjoy it most as we sing hymns, when they are sung from the soul, not just a hymnal or the screen. This particular thing Christians do together is the closest thing to heaven itself. It's like we can look around as we sing together and ask, don't you long for "oh that day when freed from sinning?" it's the one thing that currently keeps us from experiencing a pure joy of worship, we still sin. But if you know Jesus, you get a taste of that joy that will one day be pure.

Then came the day when our son, Haddon, died as he laid in our lap. Worship, and particularly hymns, took on a new meaning in my life. Suddenly singing about 'when sorrows like sea billows roll' was a daily reality. I have felt sorrow to such a degree that I thought I would be overtaken and drown. I have felt and cried to the Lord 'when darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.' But I also I learned that I like to sing a hymn in my grief because they are written in such a way that sums up our solid hope. Do you notice a pattern in most hymns?

1. We sin, and we are helpless to stand before God by ourselves

2. Jesus made that way to stand before God

3. Jesus was raised from the dead 

4. Praise God we will stand before him together for all of eternity free from sin 

I have a different joy now as I sing, because now its mixed with deep longing. I feel it rise in me as I sing: 

"when with the ransomed in Glory, 

his face I at last shall see. 

It will be my joy through the ages

To sing of his love for me."

To finally see his face, the one who took my son, yet showed me more about the worth of His son through unbelievable sorrow, I can't even sing with my voice. Tears overcome me when I sing of heaven. So I silently mouth a lot of songs in my home , my church and my car, but I silently mouth the words with my whole heart and soul.

(I realize no hymn or any song is compared to the comforts found from the Word of God. And, maybe as you look back on previous posts, God has certainly shown me that his word alone is what brings real, living hope when he allows sadness and sorrow to come.)

Guest Blog: My Husband

Today I have the joy of letting my husband, Ernie, share a little about our first son, Haddon. I'm very excited to have this on here, hope you enjoy reading about his love for Haddon and his even bigger love for Jesus. Thanks honey, I love you.

This weekend marks the celebration of the death and resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ. We will be gathering to celebrate his perfect life, his death as the ultimate curse of God for sin, and his resurrection, the proclamation of the Father’s satisfaction with his Son’s sacrifice. We will join the millions of Christ-followers who see the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus as the most central and important event in the history of the world.

This year as we celebrate Easter we will also be celebrating another important celebration in the life of the Blanco family, the 2^nd anniversary of the life and death of our first-born son, Haddon Brooks Blanco. While Easter has always been important to us, through our son Haddon, God has given us a lens in which to view Easter. We are far more aware of the joy that the resurrections provides as an anchor of hope for all who are in Christ. We are growing and experiencing a new understanding of awaiting that one day when all who are in Christ will be raised to glory with the resurrected Christ.

Haddon has taught me that God’s love for his own son is far greater than my love for my own children. As a proud father, I have experienced what many other fathers have experienced when they transition into the role of fatherhood, an immense awakening of fatherly love. We are so proud of our kids the instant that we first see them. We almost immediately began searching for similarities to claim before anyone else can suggest otherwise. We find for the first time joy in being awakened and depended upon during the night (though certainly this applies much more thoroughly with our wives). We would do anything to show our kids how much we love them. This is a gift from God that our hearts are instantly tied to our children, as if we had been best friends for a countless number of years. That is exactly how I felt as I entered fatherhood when Haddon arrived two years ago. I loved him instantly. My bond to him formed quicker than any other bond God has ever given me, even quicker than the bond that first formed meeting his mother and my wife, Lisa.

God’s relationship with his Son is so profoundly deeper than my relationship with both of my sons. Whereas my bond with Haddon, and his younger brother Ernie has lasted as long as I have known them, God’s bond with his son has existed from the foundations of eternity. Prior to the coming of Jesus to earth, the Father and Son had never experienced any separation. Their bond was so profoundly rich because of their unique relationship that it is difficult for Christians today to even conceive of the love that exists between Father and Son.

The Lord has also taught me these past two years that the deeper the love one experiences with another, the deeper the hurt one feels when experiencing a separation from the relationship. This is why the separation of the Son and the Father on the cross is unparalleled in all of world history. Not only did God separate himself physically from his Son, but he also separated himself from any sense of goodwill, of love, and of affection for his beloved first-born. He so separated himself from his relationship with his Son on the cross, that Jesus literally became the curse and scorn of God by hanging on the cross at Calvary. And because that separation between Father and Son occurred, we were given over victory over the temporary separation that occurs when a child of God departs from this earth. I am reminded when my heart aches for the separation that I currently feel from Haddon, that God the Father is more than familiar with my pain. He has destroyed the sting of death through the loving sacrifice of Jesus. As Haddon's dad, its just a little easier to understand some of the grief God’s heart must have went through Christ was afflicted with the sins of the world.

Lastly, I am reminded that God is the magnificent victor over death and sin. Jesus did not stay dead in the grave, but as the Scriptures remind us Jesus conquered death and rose on the third day appearing to over 500 witnesses before ascending to the Father in glory. God’s stamp of approval of his Son’s death in the resurrection is the reason that there is hope to be found in a world marred by sin. This hope is spoken of in 1 Peter 1:7 which states, “In this you rejoice , though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” The resurrection reminds me that each trial God has called me to and will call me to, are carefully designed for my good and for the everlasting glory of Jesus Christ. This Easter, which is also the same day as Haddon’s birthday, I will be rejoicing in my God who has victoriously conquered death and promised new life to all who put their faith and trust in him. The resurrected Christ indeed is our only hope for victory over death.

Romans 8:32 “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will ne not also with him graciously give us all things?”

In Days of Trials: Day 3

If you haven't heard of the book Beside Still Waters, I would recommend it to you. It's a collection of sermon excerpts from Charles Haddon Spurgeon, specifically on comfort for believers in Christ. We named our firstborn, Haddon, after this pastor.
Below is my favorite sermon from this book:

I Know Their Sorrows (Exodus 3:7)

"If you are in the dark, if your spirits are sunk in gloom, do not despair, for the Lord Jesus was there. If you have fallen into misery, do not give up, because the Father's well-beloved passed through denser darkness. Believing soul, if you are in the dark you are in the Kings cellars, where the well refined wines on the lees are stored (Isaiah 25:6). You are in the Lord's pavilion, and you may speak with Him.

Yes Lord, in hours of gloom,
When shadows fill my room
When pain breathes forth it's groans
Then thou art near.

If you are under a cloud, seek your Lord,. Stand still in your deep sorrow and say, 'Dear Lord, the preacher tells me that your cross once stood in darkness like this. Oh, Jesus, hear me!'

He will respond. The Lord will look out of the pillar of cloud and shed a light on you. He is no stranger to heartbreak. 'I know their sorrows,' said the Lord to Moses (Exodus 3:7). Trust him, and he will cause his light to shine on you. Lean on Him, and he will bring you out of the gloomy wilderness and into the land of rest. May God help you lean on Him."

I still cling to the truth that Jesus has passed through denser darkness, and that I am in his cellars on days of sorrow. In sadness we get to know the man of sorrows (Jesus), in a way that we can't when all is going well.

"He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief..."
Isaiah 53:3

In Days of Trials: Day 2

When we are in the middle of hard trials, we almost always make our circumstance huge, and make God small. But I think one way to fix your eyes on hope in God is to remember his greatness, read about how big he is, see what he has to say about himself.

As I think back to two years ago and what it felt like to have a suddenly empty womb and grieving with empty arms, I recall God taking me straight to Psalm 33. It was the chapter God used so that I wouldn't be swallowed up by despair. It was here God showed me he loves righteousness, his plans are firm, his love is steadfast, his word is upright, he is my help and his eyes are towards me. He showed me his loving control of all things when it seemed all things were now out of control.
This description of God and call to praise him made my circumstance appear as just a small part of God's big redeeming plan for this world, because it is.

Psalm 33:1-22

"Shout for joy in the Lord , O you righteous! Praise befits the upright.

Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre; make melody to him with the harp of ten strings! Sing to him a new song; play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts.

For the word of the Lord is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness. He loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord .

By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of his mouth all their host.
He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap; he puts the deeps in storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the Lord ; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him! For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm.

The Lord  brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; he frustrates the plans of the peoples.
The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations. Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord , the people whom he has chosen as his heritage!

The Lord  looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man; from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds.
The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue.

Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the Lord ; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord , be upon us, even as we hope in you."

In Days of Trials: Day 1

Seasons of hardship come and go throughout our whole lives. No one escapes difficulty, some just may experience it in a heavier form than others.

So if we can't escape it, how do we prepare for it? Do you feel like real trials can only come after living many years? That's how I felt, I had no idea that God had plans to teach me more about his goodness and mercy through taking my baby when I was only twenty-three.

This month marks my son Haddon's second year with Jesus. I'd like to meditate this month on the real hope I have in Jesus in the midst of something that's still so heavy to me. I thought I'd share what I find with you.

Today I'd like to start with Ephesians 1:7-10, this is our hope and its the one firm, unchanging truth we have in a world where nothing is sure.

Ephesians 1:7-10

"In him (Jesus) we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."

If you know Jesus, then your hope isn't placed in your circumstance. You have hope that you are no longer an enemy of God, and not only are you not an enemy, but you are "lavished with the riches of his grace". The richness of his grace towards you who trust in Jesus is never ending because he's purchased us by his blood. Our identity has now been made under Jesus, not in our circumstance.

Belly

I loved carrying this boy.

Jesus Reached Down Into Death

Visiting big brother's grave for the first time

Tonight baby Ernie and I read about Jesus raising Jairus's daughter from the dead in Luke 8 in his Jesus Storybook Bible, we absolutely love that book. So there was Ernie, drowsy and on my lap and I'm reading along. Then I came across the part where Jesus comes to his daughter, when no one believed Jesus was going to wake her from the dead.

"Jesus walked into the little girl's bedroom. And there, lying in the corner, in the shadows, was the still little figure. Jesus sat on the bed and took her pale hand."

I began to cry as I remembered Haddon's still little figure when there was no longer any life in him just like this little girl. I still continued reading, this was a good story.

"Honey," he said, "it's time to get up." And he reached down into death and gently brought the little girl back to life.
 The little girl woke up, rubbed her eyes as if she'd just had a good night's sleep, and leapt out of bed...
Jesus was making the sad things come untrue. He was mending God's broken world."

I told Ernie that one day, we don't know when, Jesus will reach down into death, into the very grave we visited of his brother, and raise him back to life as if he had had a good night's sleep. With his mighty hand, he will make this sad part of our family come untrue. 

My Boys

Look at my boys. Their newborn similarities melt my heart to pieces. Haddon, what a sweet boy you were, I miss you today. Sometimes when I glance in the rear view mirror and see the car seat that holds Ernie, I picture another car seat next to him that could be holding a little one year old Haddon. I'd be asking him to keep his hands out of brother's face, or something like that:)
Sometimes I give Ernie Brooks a tight squeeze and remember God has sustained him and he is such a gift to us, along with any other children that may come our way. Sometimes I whisper to him about big brother, how he's with Jesus and much happier than he or I could ever be right now. My dad's sketches of Haddon sit above Ernie's changing table, and Ernie's eyes often glance in that direction as he wobbles around during his diaper changes. We like to think he's looking at the sketches.
These frames of them hang on the wall of my parents house side by side, and my heart just wells up every single time I go over there.
My boys, my boys. I love these two boys.

To The Women Who Struggle This Mothers Day

Perhaps this Mother's Day is difficult for you and your heart is exhausted from all the celebration. I know that feeling. Last year was my very first Mother's Day, it had also been just a bit more than a month since I had lost my firstborn. I remember going to church was too painful so I spent the day with Ernie. Now each Mother's day will come with the desire to have my little Haddon with me as his daddy and siblings gather to say how much they love me. How sweet it would have been to have him today. If you are approaching today having lost a child, or you have longed for a child and cannot have one, you should know your pain never goes unseen by the Lord. I pray that you hold on to this truth today:

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

One thing I keep tucked away during days like this is that while the Lord is gathered with families celebrating with their mother, He is also gathered with the families who are mourning.The Lord is able to both rejoice and weep with his children at the same time. Remember that when the Lord says he is near to the brokenhearted, it is a promise he keeps.

Where is my rest?

It's days like yesterday that catch my heart off guard. Ernie goes out to get the mail and after he's finished going through it he says that Toys R Us sent us a coupon for Haddon's birthday, and it was interesting how they were so late. We're able to talk and laugh about things like that now, and I I did chuckle a bit. But I couldn't help but let my mind wander, and think to myself, Haddon what would you be like right now as my little one year old? My heart leaned for a moment to sadness. Babycenter still has Haddon on it's timeline and growing into a 13 month old so i receive articles with opening statements like "your child most likely has mastered the words mama and dada now". It's difficult to picture your child at a stage that you won't be able to share with them. It's difficult to not not know what it looks like for him to interact with us, to not know what it looks like for him to play or laugh at his daddy. There are many days were I am so thankful that his home is among the righteous and there's never a moment where he isn't beholding Jesus. Oh, isn't that what I want for my kids? Then there are days when I lose sight of the greatness of his reality and everything in me craves motherly moments that I picture: waking him up as he'd probably be so sleepy and placing him in a high chair, giving him Cheerios to munch on, singing songs to him as I make him a little breakfast. Or reading him books in his nursery. Showing him off at other "mom events" like story time. The list is huge of what I picture doing with him. Sometimes I think when I dream about all these things it's almost comforting, but then I think, is it? Or is my heart aching for things I can't have and fighting to change a situation that I will never get to change? Where is my rest, is my soul looking to the right things for battle when I am tempted to want something different than what God has given me? How often I have failed to look to Jesus, yet how often he reminds me of His word.

"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:11

I'm often ready to compare reading and feeding Haddon breakfast in the morning as something better than the fullness of joy he is having. I'm quick to think of hundreds of reasons why him out living his parents is better than the Lord's perfect plan for him to only live 40 hours and then entering into eternal life.

"He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103:10-14

No earthly possession that God takes from us compares to the great mercy he has shown us in our sin. There's no good that God has withheld from me, if he has removed my transgression and is merciful to me instead of repaying me with what I deserve.

I want to remember that for the next coupon that comes in the mail.

A Year of Sorrow and The Sweetness of Jesus

Invitations I made for family for Haddon's 1st birthday

Isaiah 41:10 has been a verse I run to all year long:
    fear not, for I am with you;
        be not dismayed, for I am your God;
    I will strengthen you, I will help you,
        I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


This past weekend we were able to celebrate our precious son Haddon's first year with Jesus. As we were approaching the 31st of March I had no idea what the morning would feel like when I first woke up. Haddon would have had his first birthday, I would have loved to have rushed into his nursery and woken him up with a "happy birthday big boy!" and see him light up and giggle, not really understanding what a birthday means but just enjoying such a greeting from mommy.

But Saturday arrived and as I opened my eyes there was a peace from the Lord as I awoke in a quiet home that my heart longs to be filled with baby chatter; my son is with Jesus, where there is joy unending. It's been a whole year of delight for him that is unimaginable to me here on earth. I wouldn't exchange that for him to be present at a party, even when I miss him to a point that feels unbearable.

I opened God's word to Psalm 33, a chapter that has been a light in the darkness of this year. When we first lost Haddon this is what God used to remind me that all His work is done in faithfulness and that He loves righteousness. That's where I rested in many days of sorrow. I use the truths from Psalm 33 when I have to battle these sins: jealousy or envy of other parents with little precious newborns, when I'm so thankful a NICU baby makes it but my heart aches to compare how my son didn't, when I struggle to think the woman in the checkout lane could be more thankful for her children she snaps at, when I stand over Haddon's grave and when holidays come and I can't pick out a special outfit (ah the little plaid shirts and ties). But the Holy Spirit does his work, I'm so thankful, and reminds me that God's work for my child is done in faithfulness and he is not jeopardizing his righteousness to bring us through this deep sadness. Ever.

This weekend I reflected on how God brought me closer to himself because I was able to watch Haddon as he passed away. There is something about watching a life pass that came from your very own womb; it makes the fact that all things belong to the Lord permanently sealed in your mind. Haddon was loaned to us, 8 months in the womb, and two days to behold with our eyes. As for our other children to come, they too are only loaned to us by the Lord.

Here are some photos from Haddon's Birthday, March 31, 2012. A huge thanks to my sister in law Yvette for taking these for us:

Sketch by my dad given to us, it's from a photo we have of Ernie holding Haddons feet

Sketch by my dad given to us, it's from a photo we have of Haddon in his little NICU bed with his little dog Rufus

Sketch by my dad given to us, it's from our photo of Haddon holding Ernie's finger

The family surprised me with a framed original manuscript of a sermon from Charles Haddon Spurgeon, with his handwriting. It was in memory of Haddon Brooks Blanco.

Bailey loves Daniel

Talking about her cousin in Aunt Lisa's tummy.

Love talking with my dad and brother

Ernie with sweet little Nathan.

Probably the greatest picture of Truett

loving my gift

two precious friends to me plus their babies.

Rufus enjoying all the company.

My grandma and grandpa:)

Cupcakes I made for Haddon

Ernie reading scripture and taking a moment to remind us of Haddon's eternal life with Christ.

Here are some pictures from April 2nd, on this day last year is when Haddon died. We treasured it as we sat down by the grave together and read a sermon from Spurgeon titled: "The Spiritual Resurrection"

Baby Ernie Brooks visiting his brother's grave

For Christians who are reading this, my hope is that you do not fear sorrow or trials that will come in your life. The Lord is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18) and there has been nothing sweeter in my life than to have to run to Jesus in my grief, when someone I loved more than anything was taken. You will love his word more. He brings deep comfort, as I know he holds all things together, with the same hand that formed Haddon and also the hand that brought him to his last breath.

Hebrews 13:20-21
    Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.
   

March is...tomorrow

6 months ago I figured that Haddon's birthday couldn't be harder than any other day. I mean, we are always thinking of him, dreaming about him, crying together about him. But, March comes tomorrow, the last month i carried him when i was so close to his due date and when i saw him for the first time, and it is already bringing knots to my stomach and lumps in my throat. Part of me doesn' t want any more than one year to go past...to look too far ahead without him can sometimes seem very dark. We are talking about his birthday lately, Ernie and i, as it's getting closer. There will be lots of writing prepared for the day. A lot of precious memories between Ernie and I will be shared together when we wake up. We will battle for faith to remember his reality of seeing Jesus Christ for who he is is far greater than planning a birthday party or tasting cake for the first time.

Christmas Dinner

Reason To Hope

A season has come where I often weep
My eye wastes away with little sleep
I rage war against doubt and hopeless fears
My pillow is drenched with endless tears
But when a spear to the soul conveys my grief
O, the Almighty God brings sweet relief.

My little one has departed from me
and has joy that will last for eternity
Yet sorrow upon sorrow builds in my heart
for the years I must wait while we are a part
But my child sees Christ, and endless bliss
And I could never ask for more than this

So Lord we wait for your return.
And trust your promises are firm.
You know the grief of weighty loss
Your son bore sin and death on the cross
You tell me: “Remember! My Son conquered death!”
And so, never fear your baby’s last breath.