It's days like yesterday that catch my heart off guard. Ernie goes out to get the mail and after he's finished going through it he says that Toys R Us sent us a coupon for Haddon's birthday, and it was interesting how they were so late. We're able to talk and laugh about things like that now, and I I did chuckle a bit. But I couldn't help but let my mind wander, and think to myself, Haddon what would you be like right now as my little one year old? My heart leaned for a moment to sadness. Babycenter still has Haddon on it's timeline and growing into a 13 month old so i receive articles with opening statements like "your child most likely has mastered the words mama and dada now". It's difficult to picture your child at a stage that you won't be able to share with them. It's difficult to not not know what it looks like for him to interact with us, to not know what it looks like for him to play or laugh at his daddy. There are many days were I am so thankful that his home is among the righteous and there's never a moment where he isn't beholding Jesus. Oh, isn't that what I want for my kids? Then there are days when I lose sight of the greatness of his reality and everything in me craves motherly moments that I picture: waking him up as he'd probably be so sleepy and placing him in a high chair, giving him Cheerios to munch on, singing songs to him as I make him a little breakfast. Or reading him books in his nursery. Showing him off at other "mom events" like story time. The list is huge of what I picture doing with him. Sometimes I think when I dream about all these things it's almost comforting, but then I think, is it? Or is my heart aching for things I can't have and fighting to change a situation that I will never get to change? Where is my rest, is my soul looking to the right things for battle when I am tempted to want something different than what God has given me? How often I have failed to look to Jesus, yet how often he reminds me of His word.
"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
I'm often ready to compare reading and feeding Haddon breakfast in the morning as something better than the fullness of joy he is having. I'm quick to think of hundreds of reasons why him out living his parents is better than the Lord's perfect plan for him to only live 40 hours and then entering into eternal life.
"He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust."
No earthly possession that God takes from us compares to the great mercy he has shown us in our sin. There's no good that God has withheld from me, if he has removed my transgression and is merciful to me instead of repaying me with what I deserve.
I want to remember that for the next coupon that comes in the mail.