Hymns: A Help To This Mother's Sorrow

The most glorious thing I enjoy on this earth is singing with others who share the same hope as I do in Jesus. I enjoy it most as we sing hymns, when they are sung from the soul, not just a hymnal or the screen. This particular thing Christians do together is the closest thing to heaven itself. It's like we can look around as we sing together and ask, don't you long for "oh that day when freed from sinning?" it's the one thing that currently keeps us from experiencing a pure joy of worship, we still sin. But if you know Jesus, you get a taste of that joy that will one day be pure.

Then came the day when our son, Haddon, died as he laid in our lap. Worship, and particularly hymns, took on a new meaning in my life. Suddenly singing about 'when sorrows like sea billows roll' was a daily reality. I have felt sorrow to such a degree that I thought I would be overtaken and drown. I have felt and cried to the Lord 'when darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.' But I also I learned that I like to sing a hymn in my grief because they are written in such a way that sums up our solid hope. Do you notice a pattern in most hymns?

1. We sin, and we are helpless to stand before God by ourselves

2. Jesus made that way to stand before God

3. Jesus was raised from the dead 

4. Praise God we will stand before him together for all of eternity free from sin 

I have a different joy now as I sing, because now its mixed with deep longing. I feel it rise in me as I sing: 

"when with the ransomed in Glory, 

his face I at last shall see. 

It will be my joy through the ages

To sing of his love for me."

To finally see his face, the one who took my son, yet showed me more about the worth of His son through unbelievable sorrow, I can't even sing with my voice. Tears overcome me when I sing of heaven. So I silently mouth a lot of songs in my home , my church and my car, but I silently mouth the words with my whole heart and soul.

(I realize no hymn or any song is compared to the comforts found from the Word of God. And, maybe as you look back on previous posts, God has certainly shown me that his word alone is what brings real, living hope when he allows sadness and sorrow to come.)

Blow-Out Diapers an Food Throwers, they keep me close to Jesus

Hi there, yes it's true I am alive and well. May was my last post which was long ago and much has happened. I think it's a convenient time to write as I see my son make the "more" sign to his sister to throw the ball and stretch out his arms (so cute), their quick baby game of catch might buy me some time.


God has let us still keep these kiddos, so the home is busy and we hope that they permanently stay with us! But it's been a test of faith for me.


(babies have now found the spice drawer as we speak, and there's a snow fall of dried basil)


For Ernie and I the demand of needs is high around here, and it's not easy for me to find my joy in Jesus when we can't pin point tummy issues that lead to blow out diapers daily, and the fact that our sweet little girl just wants to throw food and not eat lately. All kiddos have trouble sharing so there's a lot of little hands smacking, grabbing and pinching until they are are satisfied with the pain of their sibling. Our two year old has found all the convenient times to disobey, like when I'm changing the blow out diaper. That looks like a bad one, he says to himself, she's not going to chase me with that pile to clean up. I better...go grab her iphone, she left it on the side table again.



Baby Ernie has decided to only stay on a diet of bananas and peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes he surprises us and eats peas. It's always encouraging when a sitter or my mom talks about all the things he ate for them. Somehow he will survive, this I know. Still, in the meantime I think about how hard I worked on that chicken alfredo pasta, sneaking in small bits of broccoli and he's pouting his cute lower lip requesting a "nana?" Of course you can have your nana, your lower lip gets me every time, baby E. Even if you do throw the alfredo.


CPS is difficult, and the waiting for any information can be endless. Even so, all decisions and actions are being governed by the sweet hand of the Lord. Even if you do feel like their lives are going to be decided by people who barely know the kids who are with you. I came home this week from a frustrating meeting that we thought would give us some kind of clarity of the kids situation, even just a small bit of news. But we walked away with nothing. It was then I realized more than ever that my intense situation at home that has high needs, emotional roller coasters through CPS, and tiny hearts who sin, is keeping me dependent on Jesus, just not in a way I expect or would like to.


I opened Psalm 104. It's a good read. I felt so much anger towards late paperwork and people not making good decisions and panicked that somebody is going to make a mistake about the life of my kids. But you see, God raises mountains and pushes down valleys until he's satisfied with their place. He speaks to the grass so it will grow for animals. He brings rain for trees so that they are a place where birds have safe homes. Lions roar and hunt, waiting for their prey to be given into their hand by God alone. The sun obeys his command when it is time to set. He provides food for man and animal, and when he takes their breath, they die.



God knows his plan for my children, and his hands are working even now, at a time that I feel is a stand still. When their paper work is set aside for another date, God is still showing my children more about himself through their time in our home. For all the people legally involved, strangers to us yet involved in our lives and coming in and out of our home, God is pointing them to himself saying "This family does not have the patience or resources to do this on their own, it's me who sustains them". All this he is doing while he is at the same time talking to the ground to grow more grass in the mountains I can see from my window.


As for my time at home with the everyday tasks, God has made it clear that I do not reflect his character of being "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" (Psalm 103:8). My tone is harsh when I'm tired, my husband gently told me today. What a great picture of God my kids could see if I were slow to anger, but I'm not. So, I ask my two year old for forgiveness (which he thinks I'm asking him to say 'sorry' every time this happens, which I have to point fingers to myself over and over: "No MOMMY is sorry!!"), in asking for forgiveness from my two year old I am praying he can see mommy needs Jesus just like him.



Also, I have found one way to fight my sin when I cannot pick up a Bible or meditate on any scripture in the moment. You too should try it, it's very effective. Buy a few albums of Lecrae, Flame, Trip Lee or Tedashii. Because they will rap the gospel at you straight from the Word, so go ahead and turn it on loud. They aren't afraid to shake you and wake you up. We are fortunate to have a second car, so sometimes I strap all kids in just to drive and listen:


I make war!
Cause sin never sleeps
It's got me in a trance
You can see it in my dreams
I make war!
Man I beat my flesh
To the death, every breath
Like I beat my chest
I make war
Sun up
I make war
Sun down
I make war
Time in
I make war
Time out
I make war
Against lust
Against pride
Against me
Until I die



-Tedashii

In Days of Trials: Day 3

If you haven't heard of the book Beside Still Waters, I would recommend it to you. It's a collection of sermon excerpts from Charles Haddon Spurgeon, specifically on comfort for believers in Christ. We named our firstborn, Haddon, after this pastor.
Below is my favorite sermon from this book:

I Know Their Sorrows (Exodus 3:7)

"If you are in the dark, if your spirits are sunk in gloom, do not despair, for the Lord Jesus was there. If you have fallen into misery, do not give up, because the Father's well-beloved passed through denser darkness. Believing soul, if you are in the dark you are in the Kings cellars, where the well refined wines on the lees are stored (Isaiah 25:6). You are in the Lord's pavilion, and you may speak with Him.

Yes Lord, in hours of gloom,
When shadows fill my room
When pain breathes forth it's groans
Then thou art near.

If you are under a cloud, seek your Lord,. Stand still in your deep sorrow and say, 'Dear Lord, the preacher tells me that your cross once stood in darkness like this. Oh, Jesus, hear me!'

He will respond. The Lord will look out of the pillar of cloud and shed a light on you. He is no stranger to heartbreak. 'I know their sorrows,' said the Lord to Moses (Exodus 3:7). Trust him, and he will cause his light to shine on you. Lean on Him, and he will bring you out of the gloomy wilderness and into the land of rest. May God help you lean on Him."

I still cling to the truth that Jesus has passed through denser darkness, and that I am in his cellars on days of sorrow. In sadness we get to know the man of sorrows (Jesus), in a way that we can't when all is going well.

"He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief..."
Isaiah 53:3

In Days of Trials: Day 2

When we are in the middle of hard trials, we almost always make our circumstance huge, and make God small. But I think one way to fix your eyes on hope in God is to remember his greatness, read about how big he is, see what he has to say about himself.

As I think back to two years ago and what it felt like to have a suddenly empty womb and grieving with empty arms, I recall God taking me straight to Psalm 33. It was the chapter God used so that I wouldn't be swallowed up by despair. It was here God showed me he loves righteousness, his plans are firm, his love is steadfast, his word is upright, he is my help and his eyes are towards me. He showed me his loving control of all things when it seemed all things were now out of control.
This description of God and call to praise him made my circumstance appear as just a small part of God's big redeeming plan for this world, because it is.

Psalm 33:1-22

"Shout for joy in the Lord , O you righteous! Praise befits the upright.

Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre; make melody to him with the harp of ten strings! Sing to him a new song; play skillfully on the strings, with loud shouts.

For the word of the Lord is upright, and all his work is done in faithfulness. He loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of the steadfast love of the Lord .

By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and by the breath of his mouth all their host.
He gathers the waters of the sea as a heap; he puts the deeps in storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the Lord ; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him! For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm.

The Lord  brings the counsel of the nations to nothing; he frustrates the plans of the peoples.
The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of his heart to all generations. Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord , the people whom he has chosen as his heritage!

The Lord  looks down from heaven; he sees all the children of man; from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds.
The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength. The war horse is a false hope for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue.

Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the Lord ; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord , be upon us, even as we hope in you."

In Days of Trials: Day 1

Seasons of hardship come and go throughout our whole lives. No one escapes difficulty, some just may experience it in a heavier form than others.

So if we can't escape it, how do we prepare for it? Do you feel like real trials can only come after living many years? That's how I felt, I had no idea that God had plans to teach me more about his goodness and mercy through taking my baby when I was only twenty-three.

This month marks my son Haddon's second year with Jesus. I'd like to meditate this month on the real hope I have in Jesus in the midst of something that's still so heavy to me. I thought I'd share what I find with you.

Today I'd like to start with Ephesians 1:7-10, this is our hope and its the one firm, unchanging truth we have in a world where nothing is sure.

Ephesians 1:7-10

"In him (Jesus) we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."

If you know Jesus, then your hope isn't placed in your circumstance. You have hope that you are no longer an enemy of God, and not only are you not an enemy, but you are "lavished with the riches of his grace". The richness of his grace towards you who trust in Jesus is never ending because he's purchased us by his blood. Our identity has now been made under Jesus, not in our circumstance.