Morning

Kix and the Bible. A good start!

Adoption Day

Yesterday was a day we will never ever forget. We adopted our precious children and named them Judson and Talitha Blanco. The last year in a half has been a tremendous test of our faith and full of new ways to trust The Lord with each day. I have seen my weakness, I have had thousands of tears. I have also had to run to Jesus many days and I get to experience his strength and the joy that comes from depending on him. 

Judson is an active, athletic, hilarious little boy. And God has grown him in so many ways to calm his little heart, to trust us as mommy and daddy, and really love his family. He's starting to help me with his siblings, bless his heart, he's only 3 and he's wanting to be the man of the house when daddy's at work. He will one day be incredibly gifted at baseball, basketball and drums. Seriously. He also loves our parents, his forever grandparents. And he has two best buddies, Truett and Nathan. 

Talitha is spunky, hilarious, loud and stunningly beautiful. She keeps us active, and we chase her all day. She's interested in all things breakable, all things with a plug-in and her current favorite is the computer keyboard which also serves as her drum. She looks up to Judson and really loves him. She is in love with daddy, he means the world to her, I'm so grateful for Ernie as her daddy. He is such a gift of a godly daddy in her life. We think she will be a great dancer, she's got some rhythm starting.

So we are now forever a family of 6. God has met us in our times of need and brought us this day of adoption in his amazing kindness and mercy. We love you Judson and Talitha!

                                    

Our Days

These days are warm and busy. We are looking forward to snuggly clothes and mommy lighting too many pumpkin candles while baking too many pumpkin treats. Summer is closing. It has been fun with many learning experiences, transitions and enjoying a new baby.

Some of us are learning to feed our babies.

Some of us like getting into mischief  with good buddies.

Everyone is growing like a weed, causing mommy a lot of tears.

She spots ehpains! (airplanes)

She's in love with daddy (me too).

Some still think Rufus is the best playmate.

ALL are learning to close the door!

His has a love for Spiderman. "mightaman"

A pretty girl came with us on daddy's work trip to Portland.

We're enjoying lots of rain.

And adding to our rolls.

Of to dinner prep! Hope to be back soon.

A Mini Photo shoot

Yesterday while my 2 year olds slept I did a little photo shoot of this pretty girl to celebrate her 3 months of life. She's been a precious part of our family, I'm so grateful for her.

We hope to soon show our sweet collection of pictures of our two other beautiful kiddos!

I couldn't get Ernie grumpy pants to give me too many smiles yesterday, but he was still super cute, him and his cars right now...he's always got one in each hand. He's getting so big my heart just aches.

Adley Louise Blanco

Maybe you are curious about whether or not I have just thrown my hands up and said "No more blogging!" Well, yes I have had moments where I thought so. Our days (and nights) are full. But the plan is to continue to write as I am able; when laundry is folded, dinner is already prepped and all four kids are sleeping. Sometimes, by God's great mercy, those can happen at the same time, sometimes.

Today I wanted to introduce you to the newest Blanco. Oops, she's already almost 3 months, not quite the newborn anymore, but so precious isn't she? Meet Adley Louise Blanco. Louise comes from my Grandma. I am so proud to use that name.

I'm going to be honest, when I was laying on that metal slab and they lifted her up and I saw a head full (FULL) of black hair I thought, "Are you my baby? Did they swap babies before they pulled her above that curtain?" But, turns out she really did come from my womb and I can't stop running my fingers through her hair. 

Her birth was another experience to trust God with how he's been faithful to us before. She was lifted above that curtain and whisked away right after I said my first hello as her mommy. I cried, and cried, no one could tell me details as to why she wasn't breathing well but that was her main issue, so off to the NICU she went. 

I have never experienced emotional, painful flashbacks before; but there I was, instantly back to Haddon's birth as he was wheeled off quickly for help to survive. I pictured a number of things happening as I placed myself back in our grief three years ago, and the Lord calmed me with his Spirit in that operating room. I could trust him, no matter what happened to my sweet girl, I could trust him because he has shown us kindness and mercy in this before.

Adley needed help for two days and we visited her in the NICU while I recovered. How similar things felt to Haddon, but her needs were very different. It was not a roller coaster of good news and sad news. And the Lord gave me joy as I visited her, which is an immense amount of grace. We are grateful to God for all his help in our time of need at that hospital.

We also had a moment where all four children where in my room at the same time. The three older ones wanted to meet sister, so we gave it a try. You would laugh at us, guys. It was all about meeting sister, but once they entered the room it was all about the neat things in the hospital room, and it was just hilarious chaos. Ah, it was my first taste of my days to come at home.

Rememberance: Where there's no straining for my eyes to see

I am sitting in the quiet of my living room as little ones sleep. This pregnancy has led me to eating lunch around 10:15 rather than noon. So as I unashamedly finish off a plate of spaghetti by mid morning, I sit here thinking about this new little one that has continued to grow inside me.

The gift of children has been quite the journey for us. For two and a half years God has lifted my eyes to trust him as he tells me that his 'word is upright and all his work is done in faithfulness' Psalm 33:4, a life giving verse for me in the midst of a trial that wanted to suck the life out of me.

As we first kissed our firstborn and buried him into the ground in the same week, the Lord stood guard over my heart from the hungry sins of bitterness, anger, and hopelessness who were always tempting me in my hours of sorrow. But The Lord stood in my sorrow, loudly declaring for me that if he did not spare his own son for my sin how could he also not provide me all things?
Since then, every pregnancy has been a step of faith onto a path to which the final destination is not visible. We cannot strain our eyes and squint hard enough to make sure we see a baby down the road that will survive after birth. What we can see is the Lord's faithfulness to us before, where there's no straining or squinting for our eyes to see. God has shown Ernie and I the power of remembering what He has done.

So I lay here, feeling the kicks of a little girl squirming inside me and I pray that she continues to kick and move and jump for 15 more weeks. I want her to live. I want to watch her grow and watch our son care for his younger sister. I do not want to place her in the ground. But my hope is not in a living child. My hope is that God emptied his anger and wrath on his son. He showed his son no mercy so that he could freely give mercy to me. In light of this hope, I can walk in faith with bearing or not bearing children, raising them or burying them.

Hymns: A Help To This Mother's Sorrow

The most glorious thing I enjoy on this earth is singing with others who share the same hope as I do in Jesus. I enjoy it most as we sing hymns, when they are sung from the soul, not just a hymnal or the screen. This particular thing Christians do together is the closest thing to heaven itself. It's like we can look around as we sing together and ask, don't you long for "oh that day when freed from sinning?" it's the one thing that currently keeps us from experiencing a pure joy of worship, we still sin. But if you know Jesus, you get a taste of that joy that will one day be pure.

Then came the day when our son, Haddon, died as he laid in our lap. Worship, and particularly hymns, took on a new meaning in my life. Suddenly singing about 'when sorrows like sea billows roll' was a daily reality. I have felt sorrow to such a degree that I thought I would be overtaken and drown. I have felt and cried to the Lord 'when darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.' But I also I learned that I like to sing a hymn in my grief because they are written in such a way that sums up our solid hope. Do you notice a pattern in most hymns?

1. We sin, and we are helpless to stand before God by ourselves

2. Jesus made that way to stand before God

3. Jesus was raised from the dead 

4. Praise God we will stand before him together for all of eternity free from sin 

I have a different joy now as I sing, because now its mixed with deep longing. I feel it rise in me as I sing: 

"when with the ransomed in Glory, 

his face I at last shall see. 

It will be my joy through the ages

To sing of his love for me."

To finally see his face, the one who took my son, yet showed me more about the worth of His son through unbelievable sorrow, I can't even sing with my voice. Tears overcome me when I sing of heaven. So I silently mouth a lot of songs in my home , my church and my car, but I silently mouth the words with my whole heart and soul.

(I realize no hymn or any song is compared to the comforts found from the Word of God. And, maybe as you look back on previous posts, God has certainly shown me that his word alone is what brings real, living hope when he allows sadness and sorrow to come.)

Blow-Out Diapers an Food Throwers, they keep me close to Jesus

Hi there, yes it's true I am alive and well. May was my last post which was long ago and much has happened. I think it's a convenient time to write as I see my son make the "more" sign to his sister to throw the ball and stretch out his arms (so cute), their quick baby game of catch might buy me some time.


God has let us still keep these kiddos, so the home is busy and we hope that they permanently stay with us! But it's been a test of faith for me.


(babies have now found the spice drawer as we speak, and there's a snow fall of dried basil)


For Ernie and I the demand of needs is high around here, and it's not easy for me to find my joy in Jesus when we can't pin point tummy issues that lead to blow out diapers daily, and the fact that our sweet little girl just wants to throw food and not eat lately. All kiddos have trouble sharing so there's a lot of little hands smacking, grabbing and pinching until they are are satisfied with the pain of their sibling. Our two year old has found all the convenient times to disobey, like when I'm changing the blow out diaper. That looks like a bad one, he says to himself, she's not going to chase me with that pile to clean up. I better...go grab her iphone, she left it on the side table again.



Baby Ernie has decided to only stay on a diet of bananas and peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes he surprises us and eats peas. It's always encouraging when a sitter or my mom talks about all the things he ate for them. Somehow he will survive, this I know. Still, in the meantime I think about how hard I worked on that chicken alfredo pasta, sneaking in small bits of broccoli and he's pouting his cute lower lip requesting a "nana?" Of course you can have your nana, your lower lip gets me every time, baby E. Even if you do throw the alfredo.


CPS is difficult, and the waiting for any information can be endless. Even so, all decisions and actions are being governed by the sweet hand of the Lord. Even if you do feel like their lives are going to be decided by people who barely know the kids who are with you. I came home this week from a frustrating meeting that we thought would give us some kind of clarity of the kids situation, even just a small bit of news. But we walked away with nothing. It was then I realized more than ever that my intense situation at home that has high needs, emotional roller coasters through CPS, and tiny hearts who sin, is keeping me dependent on Jesus, just not in a way I expect or would like to.


I opened Psalm 104. It's a good read. I felt so much anger towards late paperwork and people not making good decisions and panicked that somebody is going to make a mistake about the life of my kids. But you see, God raises mountains and pushes down valleys until he's satisfied with their place. He speaks to the grass so it will grow for animals. He brings rain for trees so that they are a place where birds have safe homes. Lions roar and hunt, waiting for their prey to be given into their hand by God alone. The sun obeys his command when it is time to set. He provides food for man and animal, and when he takes their breath, they die.



God knows his plan for my children, and his hands are working even now, at a time that I feel is a stand still. When their paper work is set aside for another date, God is still showing my children more about himself through their time in our home. For all the people legally involved, strangers to us yet involved in our lives and coming in and out of our home, God is pointing them to himself saying "This family does not have the patience or resources to do this on their own, it's me who sustains them". All this he is doing while he is at the same time talking to the ground to grow more grass in the mountains I can see from my window.


As for my time at home with the everyday tasks, God has made it clear that I do not reflect his character of being "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" (Psalm 103:8). My tone is harsh when I'm tired, my husband gently told me today. What a great picture of God my kids could see if I were slow to anger, but I'm not. So, I ask my two year old for forgiveness (which he thinks I'm asking him to say 'sorry' every time this happens, which I have to point fingers to myself over and over: "No MOMMY is sorry!!"), in asking for forgiveness from my two year old I am praying he can see mommy needs Jesus just like him.



Also, I have found one way to fight my sin when I cannot pick up a Bible or meditate on any scripture in the moment. You too should try it, it's very effective. Buy a few albums of Lecrae, Flame, Trip Lee or Tedashii. Because they will rap the gospel at you straight from the Word, so go ahead and turn it on loud. They aren't afraid to shake you and wake you up. We are fortunate to have a second car, so sometimes I strap all kids in just to drive and listen:


I make war!
Cause sin never sleeps
It's got me in a trance
You can see it in my dreams
I make war!
Man I beat my flesh
To the death, every breath
Like I beat my chest
I make war
Sun up
I make war
Sun down
I make war
Time in
I make war
Time out
I make war
Against lust
Against pride
Against me
Until I die



-Tedashii

Superman

This Superman is such a Mama's boy.

And then there were three

In the last two weeks our world has been completely turned upside down in an insane but incredible way. We are fostering two kids, one is two months younger than Ernie Brooks and the brother is not quite two. Are we crazy, you ask? It took awhile but I think we have come to the conclusion that no, we aren't crazy, and God has carried us through each day.

Can I just say though, every morning all three kids start their day with a major poop. And more often than I want its the kind where you look at your hand and think,  wait is the poop soaking through the WIPE? I think I have to use the sentence "hold on, mommy needs to wash her hands" more than anything throughout the day. Then there's the ever flowing river from all three noses. I mean, really, there's never a dull moment. Our toddler is a never ending eating machine, good for him right? Seriously, we have to ask him to just get down from the table because, no you may not have a fourth helping of spaghetti, your stomach will pop!

I have made it by slowly making my way through and living off of the book of Ephesians, because there I am reminded of patience, and gentleness. I'm reminded to be an imitator of God and to walk in love because of Christ's love towards me. I'm reminded that God gives me the power for good works he's called me to and all I have to do is walk in them. And boy, do we love these kids.

It's such an honor to care for these kids. I'm so thankful we get to smother them with love. And its Saturday, daddy is home...family time all together is the best.

Off to fold laundry ya'll.