Hymns: A Help To This Mother's Sorrow

The most glorious thing I enjoy on this earth is singing with others who share the same hope as I do in Jesus. I enjoy it most as we sing hymns, when they are sung from the soul, not just a hymnal or the screen. This particular thing Christians do together is the closest thing to heaven itself. It's like we can look around as we sing together and ask, don't you long for "oh that day when freed from sinning?" it's the one thing that currently keeps us from experiencing a pure joy of worship, we still sin. But if you know Jesus, you get a taste of that joy that will one day be pure.

Then came the day when our son, Haddon, died as he laid in our lap. Worship, and particularly hymns, took on a new meaning in my life. Suddenly singing about 'when sorrows like sea billows roll' was a daily reality. I have felt sorrow to such a degree that I thought I would be overtaken and drown. I have felt and cried to the Lord 'when darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.' But I also I learned that I like to sing a hymn in my grief because they are written in such a way that sums up our solid hope. Do you notice a pattern in most hymns?

1. We sin, and we are helpless to stand before God by ourselves

2. Jesus made that way to stand before God

3. Jesus was raised from the dead 

4. Praise God we will stand before him together for all of eternity free from sin 

I have a different joy now as I sing, because now its mixed with deep longing. I feel it rise in me as I sing: 

"when with the ransomed in Glory, 

his face I at last shall see. 

It will be my joy through the ages

To sing of his love for me."

To finally see his face, the one who took my son, yet showed me more about the worth of His son through unbelievable sorrow, I can't even sing with my voice. Tears overcome me when I sing of heaven. So I silently mouth a lot of songs in my home , my church and my car, but I silently mouth the words with my whole heart and soul.

(I realize no hymn or any song is compared to the comforts found from the Word of God. And, maybe as you look back on previous posts, God has certainly shown me that his word alone is what brings real, living hope when he allows sadness and sorrow to come.)

Blow-Out Diapers an Food Throwers, they keep me close to Jesus

Hi there, yes it's true I am alive and well. May was my last post which was long ago and much has happened. I think it's a convenient time to write as I see my son make the "more" sign to his sister to throw the ball and stretch out his arms (so cute), their quick baby game of catch might buy me some time.


God has let us still keep these kiddos, so the home is busy and we hope that they permanently stay with us! But it's been a test of faith for me.


(babies have now found the spice drawer as we speak, and there's a snow fall of dried basil)


For Ernie and I the demand of needs is high around here, and it's not easy for me to find my joy in Jesus when we can't pin point tummy issues that lead to blow out diapers daily, and the fact that our sweet little girl just wants to throw food and not eat lately. All kiddos have trouble sharing so there's a lot of little hands smacking, grabbing and pinching until they are are satisfied with the pain of their sibling. Our two year old has found all the convenient times to disobey, like when I'm changing the blow out diaper. That looks like a bad one, he says to himself, she's not going to chase me with that pile to clean up. I better...go grab her iphone, she left it on the side table again.



Baby Ernie has decided to only stay on a diet of bananas and peanut butter and jelly. Sometimes he surprises us and eats peas. It's always encouraging when a sitter or my mom talks about all the things he ate for them. Somehow he will survive, this I know. Still, in the meantime I think about how hard I worked on that chicken alfredo pasta, sneaking in small bits of broccoli and he's pouting his cute lower lip requesting a "nana?" Of course you can have your nana, your lower lip gets me every time, baby E. Even if you do throw the alfredo.


CPS is difficult, and the waiting for any information can be endless. Even so, all decisions and actions are being governed by the sweet hand of the Lord. Even if you do feel like their lives are going to be decided by people who barely know the kids who are with you. I came home this week from a frustrating meeting that we thought would give us some kind of clarity of the kids situation, even just a small bit of news. But we walked away with nothing. It was then I realized more than ever that my intense situation at home that has high needs, emotional roller coasters through CPS, and tiny hearts who sin, is keeping me dependent on Jesus, just not in a way I expect or would like to.


I opened Psalm 104. It's a good read. I felt so much anger towards late paperwork and people not making good decisions and panicked that somebody is going to make a mistake about the life of my kids. But you see, God raises mountains and pushes down valleys until he's satisfied with their place. He speaks to the grass so it will grow for animals. He brings rain for trees so that they are a place where birds have safe homes. Lions roar and hunt, waiting for their prey to be given into their hand by God alone. The sun obeys his command when it is time to set. He provides food for man and animal, and when he takes their breath, they die.



God knows his plan for my children, and his hands are working even now, at a time that I feel is a stand still. When their paper work is set aside for another date, God is still showing my children more about himself through their time in our home. For all the people legally involved, strangers to us yet involved in our lives and coming in and out of our home, God is pointing them to himself saying "This family does not have the patience or resources to do this on their own, it's me who sustains them". All this he is doing while he is at the same time talking to the ground to grow more grass in the mountains I can see from my window.


As for my time at home with the everyday tasks, God has made it clear that I do not reflect his character of being "merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love" (Psalm 103:8). My tone is harsh when I'm tired, my husband gently told me today. What a great picture of God my kids could see if I were slow to anger, but I'm not. So, I ask my two year old for forgiveness (which he thinks I'm asking him to say 'sorry' every time this happens, which I have to point fingers to myself over and over: "No MOMMY is sorry!!"), in asking for forgiveness from my two year old I am praying he can see mommy needs Jesus just like him.



Also, I have found one way to fight my sin when I cannot pick up a Bible or meditate on any scripture in the moment. You too should try it, it's very effective. Buy a few albums of Lecrae, Flame, Trip Lee or Tedashii. Because they will rap the gospel at you straight from the Word, so go ahead and turn it on loud. They aren't afraid to shake you and wake you up. We are fortunate to have a second car, so sometimes I strap all kids in just to drive and listen:


I make war!
Cause sin never sleeps
It's got me in a trance
You can see it in my dreams
I make war!
Man I beat my flesh
To the death, every breath
Like I beat my chest
I make war
Sun up
I make war
Sun down
I make war
Time in
I make war
Time out
I make war
Against lust
Against pride
Against me
Until I die



-Tedashii

Superman

This Superman is such a Mama's boy.

And then there were three

In the last two weeks our world has been completely turned upside down in an insane but incredible way. We are fostering two kids, one is two months younger than Ernie Brooks and the brother is not quite two. Are we crazy, you ask? It took awhile but I think we have come to the conclusion that no, we aren't crazy, and God has carried us through each day.

Can I just say though, every morning all three kids start their day with a major poop. And more often than I want its the kind where you look at your hand and think,  wait is the poop soaking through the WIPE? I think I have to use the sentence "hold on, mommy needs to wash her hands" more than anything throughout the day. Then there's the ever flowing river from all three noses. I mean, really, there's never a dull moment. Our toddler is a never ending eating machine, good for him right? Seriously, we have to ask him to just get down from the table because, no you may not have a fourth helping of spaghetti, your stomach will pop!

I have made it by slowly making my way through and living off of the book of Ephesians, because there I am reminded of patience, and gentleness. I'm reminded to be an imitator of God and to walk in love because of Christ's love towards me. I'm reminded that God gives me the power for good works he's called me to and all I have to do is walk in them. And boy, do we love these kids.

It's such an honor to care for these kids. I'm so thankful we get to smother them with love. And its Saturday, daddy is home...family time all together is the best.

Off to fold laundry ya'll.

My little

I love this boy.

Saturdays With Spurgeon

Hope this is sweet to your soul, it was to mine.

Expect Trials To Multiply. Genesis 22:1

God does not put heavy burdens on weak shoulders. God educates and tests our faith by trials that increase in proportion to our faith. God expects us to do adult work and endure adult afflictions only after we have reached a mature status in Christ Jesus. Therefore, beloved, expect your trials to multiply as you proceed toward heaven.

    Do not think that as you grow in grace that your path will become smoother and sky calmer and clearer. Quite the contrary. As God gives you greater skill as a soldier of the cross, He will send you on more difficult missions. As He more fully equips your ship to sail in storms, He will send you on longer voyages to more boisterous seas, so that you may honor him and increase in holy confidence.

    You would think that in Abraham's old age-after he had come to the land of Beulah, after the birth of Isaac, and especially after the expulsion of Ishmael-he would have had time to rest. But "it came to pass after these things that God tested Abraham" (Genesis 22:1). Let Abraham's story warn us to never rest from trials this side of the grave.

    The trumpet still plays the notes of war. You cannot sit down and put the victory wreath on your head. You do not have a crown. You still must wear the helmet and carry the sword. You must watch, pray, and fight. Expect your last battle to be the most difficult, for the enemy's fiercest charge is reserved for the last day.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

9 and 10 Months

This boy is a happy kid. So happy sometimes that he screams at the top of his lungs to express his joy. 

No crawling yet, but he's so curious about walking. His legs are strong and likes to take steps if we help him and he can push a walking toy for a couple steps. 

He got his first hair cut last month, you can see the sad tears in that picture! But his hair grows like a weed, goodness.

Oatmeal is his favorite food right now, with a little cinnamon:)

His favorite book is "Me with You", a really cute book about a daddy bear with his cub. He giggles when I turn the pages.

"Aw, what do you think of him turning a year soon?" someone asked. I can't even handle it yet (weep), so don't ask.

 

Guest Blog: My Husband

Today I have the joy of letting my husband, Ernie, share a little about our first son, Haddon. I'm very excited to have this on here, hope you enjoy reading about his love for Haddon and his even bigger love for Jesus. Thanks honey, I love you.

This weekend marks the celebration of the death and resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ. We will be gathering to celebrate his perfect life, his death as the ultimate curse of God for sin, and his resurrection, the proclamation of the Father’s satisfaction with his Son’s sacrifice. We will join the millions of Christ-followers who see the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus as the most central and important event in the history of the world.

This year as we celebrate Easter we will also be celebrating another important celebration in the life of the Blanco family, the 2^nd anniversary of the life and death of our first-born son, Haddon Brooks Blanco. While Easter has always been important to us, through our son Haddon, God has given us a lens in which to view Easter. We are far more aware of the joy that the resurrections provides as an anchor of hope for all who are in Christ. We are growing and experiencing a new understanding of awaiting that one day when all who are in Christ will be raised to glory with the resurrected Christ.

Haddon has taught me that God’s love for his own son is far greater than my love for my own children. As a proud father, I have experienced what many other fathers have experienced when they transition into the role of fatherhood, an immense awakening of fatherly love. We are so proud of our kids the instant that we first see them. We almost immediately began searching for similarities to claim before anyone else can suggest otherwise. We find for the first time joy in being awakened and depended upon during the night (though certainly this applies much more thoroughly with our wives). We would do anything to show our kids how much we love them. This is a gift from God that our hearts are instantly tied to our children, as if we had been best friends for a countless number of years. That is exactly how I felt as I entered fatherhood when Haddon arrived two years ago. I loved him instantly. My bond to him formed quicker than any other bond God has ever given me, even quicker than the bond that first formed meeting his mother and my wife, Lisa.

God’s relationship with his Son is so profoundly deeper than my relationship with both of my sons. Whereas my bond with Haddon, and his younger brother Ernie has lasted as long as I have known them, God’s bond with his son has existed from the foundations of eternity. Prior to the coming of Jesus to earth, the Father and Son had never experienced any separation. Their bond was so profoundly rich because of their unique relationship that it is difficult for Christians today to even conceive of the love that exists between Father and Son.

The Lord has also taught me these past two years that the deeper the love one experiences with another, the deeper the hurt one feels when experiencing a separation from the relationship. This is why the separation of the Son and the Father on the cross is unparalleled in all of world history. Not only did God separate himself physically from his Son, but he also separated himself from any sense of goodwill, of love, and of affection for his beloved first-born. He so separated himself from his relationship with his Son on the cross, that Jesus literally became the curse and scorn of God by hanging on the cross at Calvary. And because that separation between Father and Son occurred, we were given over victory over the temporary separation that occurs when a child of God departs from this earth. I am reminded when my heart aches for the separation that I currently feel from Haddon, that God the Father is more than familiar with my pain. He has destroyed the sting of death through the loving sacrifice of Jesus. As Haddon's dad, its just a little easier to understand some of the grief God’s heart must have went through Christ was afflicted with the sins of the world.

Lastly, I am reminded that God is the magnificent victor over death and sin. Jesus did not stay dead in the grave, but as the Scriptures remind us Jesus conquered death and rose on the third day appearing to over 500 witnesses before ascending to the Father in glory. God’s stamp of approval of his Son’s death in the resurrection is the reason that there is hope to be found in a world marred by sin. This hope is spoken of in 1 Peter 1:7 which states, “In this you rejoice , though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” The resurrection reminds me that each trial God has called me to and will call me to, are carefully designed for my good and for the everlasting glory of Jesus Christ. This Easter, which is also the same day as Haddon’s birthday, I will be rejoicing in my God who has victoriously conquered death and promised new life to all who put their faith and trust in him. The resurrected Christ indeed is our only hope for victory over death.

Romans 8:32 “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will ne not also with him graciously give us all things?”

It's been awhile

Sorry for the lack of posts. We have been having a lot of family time this week which has been incredible. Theres more of my short series to come and also an ernie brooks update. This Picture should help while you wait:

In Days of Trials: Day 3

If you haven't heard of the book Beside Still Waters, I would recommend it to you. It's a collection of sermon excerpts from Charles Haddon Spurgeon, specifically on comfort for believers in Christ. We named our firstborn, Haddon, after this pastor.
Below is my favorite sermon from this book:

I Know Their Sorrows (Exodus 3:7)

"If you are in the dark, if your spirits are sunk in gloom, do not despair, for the Lord Jesus was there. If you have fallen into misery, do not give up, because the Father's well-beloved passed through denser darkness. Believing soul, if you are in the dark you are in the Kings cellars, where the well refined wines on the lees are stored (Isaiah 25:6). You are in the Lord's pavilion, and you may speak with Him.

Yes Lord, in hours of gloom,
When shadows fill my room
When pain breathes forth it's groans
Then thou art near.

If you are under a cloud, seek your Lord,. Stand still in your deep sorrow and say, 'Dear Lord, the preacher tells me that your cross once stood in darkness like this. Oh, Jesus, hear me!'

He will respond. The Lord will look out of the pillar of cloud and shed a light on you. He is no stranger to heartbreak. 'I know their sorrows,' said the Lord to Moses (Exodus 3:7). Trust him, and he will cause his light to shine on you. Lean on Him, and he will bring you out of the gloomy wilderness and into the land of rest. May God help you lean on Him."

I still cling to the truth that Jesus has passed through denser darkness, and that I am in his cellars on days of sorrow. In sadness we get to know the man of sorrows (Jesus), in a way that we can't when all is going well.

"He was despised and rejected by men;
a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief..."
Isaiah 53:3