A Family Flu Is About God

I opened my eyes and blinked a few times. Was she really awake? Was I just hearing her cry in my dream? Am I still asleep? I was stuck in the mommy fog: when you're wondering which land you're in, the sleep one or the awake one. The monitor crackled and gave its normal feedback, then I heard it loud and clear. “Mommy, mommy? Mommmiiieeee!”

After trying to rock Adley back to sleep, I finally brought her into our bed. She nuzzled up to me and I smiled. I was sleepy but I always like any alone time I can get with one of the kids, especially if I can sleep at the same time. But then came the gagging.

“Oh it’s okay sweetie,” I said as I sat up.

Gag, gag, I could hear the liquid making its way up.

“Alright, alright, alright,” I always say this gently to the kids when I don't want them to see me panic on the inside.

Vomit.

After wiping off a few places. I laid back down and Adley was ready to close her eyes and sleep.

Then I heard another monitor.

“Mommy?” 

Little Ernie couldn't go back to sleep, I brought him in on the couch in our room. I kissed him and began to walk back to bed and then I heard the gagging.

“Ernie? Sweetie, are you okay?”

Up came the chunks. Twice, actually. My poor boy is only 3, throwing up is so confusing and terrifying. I still feel this way and I'm 28. I cleaned him up, laid him down and told him that mommy cries when she throws up too. 

When my husband woke up with the flu also, items were soaked in puke, and our washer stopped working, I had to take a second. I locked myself in the bathroom to see if God had something to say at this point. 

I felt like Moses before a burning bush, called The Flu, and God was telling me to take on the task of caring for his sick people in my house. By myself. And I was saying “oh, I can’t do that.”

“I will be with you.” I remembered he told Moses.

“But, I didn't sleep last night. The washer doesn't work. There will be more puke. I can't do this!” I walked out of the bathroom with about as much faith as Moses started out with. 

I really felt this was all about me. Of course this would happen to a mom, I had thought, caged in by the sickness around her and bouncing around from person to person, changing her clothes after getting thrown up on and tossing them in the “we will wash these when the washer works” pile, and trying to entertain the other kids that are healthy and going stir crazy. 

I was acting like I had been dealt a bad hand, like my life was a game of cards and this week was just not my week. But God is gracious as always, and revealed to me what flu week is all about.

And I can tell you, that whole week brought more vomit, the virus finally took over me too, but God was with me.

The Lord brought us very low in weakness to show us that he's the one who cares for our family. He's the one who brings the sickness and he's the one who allows it to leave. He brings it in the middle of the night or at nap time. He can allow sickness to stay for a week or 24 hours. 

During a family flu, his goodness and mercy are still following us all the days of our life. Our flesh is failing during sickness, but He is our strength and our portion forever, and that is what helps us get up and clean off our sick child. The Lord being our strength, trusting his care in allowing the flu, gives us the hope to make it through a very long day. And when another member of the family announces that their tummy hurts, the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ will be your strength to run them to the toilet in time, or not in time.  And the hope of Heaven where sin and  sickness will one day be no more, will help you get through the moments of mopping the floors, or scrubbing the carpets . 

As the season of much sickness sticks with us and invades our homes, remember Who allows the sickness and that he's the strength and hope for those who trust in His Son. 

Now I'm off to drink some Emergan-c. Cheers.

                        

The Coming Jesus

For the Christian, God always hands us things that are good and grow us to look like Jesus, God’s own greatest treasure. These things he hands us for our good can be both joyful and painful. God is doing a secret work in the hidden places of our heart that we cannot always see, those secrets belong to Him. As he's working, we may be experiencing confusion, frustration, and crying out, "How long, Oh Lord?" All the while, he sees the big picture, he sees the day of Christ's return in full view. He loves to move in such a way that all of his work will bring honor and glory to his Son on that day, when our joy will be unimaginable.

You and I aren't God. We can't simply look up and see the day when Jesus removes all tears and sorrows and think "oh yes, we are almost there." We walk by faith, not by sight. We walk by faith in the One who can see the hidden places, the coming glory, and the end of all suffering when he reveals how he points us to Jesus. And we trust him when he hands us a disease, a longing for change, a difficult job, a child with special needs, a death of of someone we love, long hard days as a parent, a difficult spouse, lack of a spouse, lower income, and the list could continue. But he doesn’t uncaringly toss these trials at us. He gently lays them down for us to have with the same goal in mind, pointing to the coming Jesus.

What is he doing? To us, our circumstance or perhaps the unknown future may be too much to bear. But to God, who holds all things together, he sees this as handing us priceless gifts, these trials, and in doing so, he points ahead for us, "Look! See!" And with our dimmed view, the road seems so long to us. "I don't know much longer I can do this." We often say. "This season is so long." We hear each other cry. "I have had enough!" We may utter in anger.

Does the Lord eliminate us from the earth for this lack of faith? No! He crushed his own Son on the cross so that he can cry "Look! Look ahead!" as long as we live. "Lift your eyes to where you help comes from!" He encourages us. "The day is coming that only I can see! Your sorrow is nothing compared to the joy I know will soon arrive! It’s worth it! It’s worth it! Get up!” And we gather our treasure that he promises to be good for us, and we keep walking. Though the pain and weariness may linger, we hear him say that there's a day when pain will be washed away. Not through medicine, sleep, treatment, or money, but with his very own hands. Today may not be the day, but there is a promised day coming.

If you, Christian, have forgotten that your circumstance is a treasure, remember that it’s pointing you towards your prize, Jesus.

“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials,  so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.”

1 Peter 1:1-8

A Frenzy Of Requests

"Mom, when is snack?"

"Mommy, will you hold me?"

"Mommy, can I watch a show?"

"Mommy, will you help me?"

"Mommy, I'm done" (they echo from the toilet)

"Mommy, will you get my water?"

"Mommieeee she's hitting me!"

"Mommy, I dropped my car, will you get it?"

"Oh mommy, you forgot to cut my sandwich."

"Mommy? Can I get up now? Mommy?"

Somedays I lock myself in our guest room when the kids aren't looking, and I'll slowly slide to the floor and rest my head against the door. 

While I'm sneaking away, I'll recall the days I so desperately wanted a home full of loud, busy kids. I remember weeping because it was so quiet, and my sweet newborn was not with us to fill our house with cries for our help. I remember the quiet and how it was sometimes so unbearable that it was the very thing that led me to Jesus. I remember the pleas for help to not lose the hope that I knew was mine in Christ. 

Before I unlock the door to face the requests of my kiddos again, I'll remember when I was without them.

I guess I didn't realize how God would answer my cries. I know he answered them in the moment, filling me with hope from the Spirit and comforting me in my sorrow. But he also answered them by giving us four more children who are full of things to say, things they need and questions they have.

My heart longed for these things but my mind and body are also weak so I get weary of these requests I longed for. I'm tired, quickly angered and asking them to take breaks from their requests.

But most times my voice isn't showing patience when I ask them to put a cap on their requests.

So of course, the Spirit is doing his work and showing me how the Lord has already done this perfectly for me and that I am weak and need his help. But what does my children's questions have to do with the Lord?

God has asked his own children in Philippians 4:6 to make their requests known to him. And he has way more than a few kids. His children are everywhere around the globe, and he invites them to be making their requests known at every hour they need. He tells them not to be anxious and try to deal with their anxiety alone but to tell him and bring their questions and their need. 

I realized that I am reflecting God's patience and love by having an ear for my children's requests. I can help them in showing them how to ask and teach them self control, but also bear with their questions and needs. We have a Father who listens and asks us to make our requests known, and I think my kids can know Jesus in a really special and unique way when I also hear them and make our home a safe place for their curious and needy hearts. 

I'm hoping that if I'm patient with their requests and listen with a loving ear, that they will one day feel the freedom to bring their needy hearts to the throne of Jesus.

The Lord Is Communing Mith Me In The Murky Lake

                                            

I fed Adley for the last time before going to sleep, hoping she'd allow me to get at least a good cat nap before she needed me again, but I think a cat would have slept better than me. Adley woke up at midnight, 2:15 and 4:45. After the last feeding, I gently laid her back down, and then my 5am alarm went off. I pushed the snooze button and started to walk back to bed. I stood at the doorway, very tempted to lay back on that pillow. I knew things ran much smoother when I got up before the children, but I was also exhausted. I gave it another minute of thought, then prayed for help and walked downstairs to start the blessed coffee.

As I poured the coffee into the cup, I poured all my trust in there with it. "As long as I get a few cups of in, I can gather myself and be patient with the children today."
 I didn't fully realize I had directed this thought towards an unknown pagan god of coffee as I sat down on the couch to pray to the one true Living God and read his word, (thank God for his patience).

I opened my Bible, and began to read a little with tired eyes. I was just making my way into a passage and ready to gain strength for the day when the baby monitor crackled. Sure enough, Adley began to cry. I waited, and waited, but she did not stop. Before I made the climb up the stairs, my head fell into my hands and I prayed one last prayer before my time alone was done:
"Lord, I tried. I want to rise early and meet with you before my day begins. I want to hear from you and read and pray before my kids wake up. I have done everything I can to make this happen, and yet you have allowed my baby to wake again and it has interuppted my time with you. It's your power that causes them sleep and to awaken them, so why right now? How am I supposed to commune with you in this long season of busy life?"
I lifted my head, feeling more tired than before. The other monitor lit up as a voice loudly cried.
"Mommy I have to poo poo!"

This is a picture of what my nights and the early hours of the morning can look like for me. For a long time I have struggled with joy and thankfulness that God calls me to as his child. I love my children tremendously, they are deeply precious to me. But what I struggled with is feeling (rather believing the lie) that God cuts me short in my time with him, or for some reason it seems he doesn't provide the time. I believed that my only time to hear from God and receive help and wisdom was before my children woke up. I thought my only hope for being kind and patient with my children was if I had read my Bible, put the dishes away and put some kind of order to our downstairs before they came down.  And if none of these were able to happen? You could just forget any kindness and gentleness (or any fruits of the spirit really) from me.

But over the last month The Lord has revealed all the ugly that has been going on in my heart. It sounds strange, especially after reading this, how obvious it should all seem, but I was blind to how much I really have been relying on my own strength to do what God has called me to do.

When I read Colossians 3 and how God calls us to walk and talk like a child of God with patience and gentleness and to be thankful, I don't have to feel burdened. I used to, but God is rescuing me. Because if I read the chapter before, I'll find Colossians  2:14 tells me that God has canceled the record of debt I owe by nailing it to the cross of his Son. And even further back in Colossians 1: 20 we are told that Christ's work on the cross not only cancels the debt we owe for sin, but then he also presents us holy and blameless before God. So God isn't holding a record against me of all the times I have failed with my children (or put my trust in the pagan god of coffee), he's erased it and is conforming me into the image of his Son, so I am free to pursue gentleness and patience with my kids and start over in repentance again and again, not burdened to pursue it, but free.

While rising early before the children is still my goal each day, God has shown me that it's not where my hope lies, and it's not the only time he wants to commune with me. It's not only the quiet, alone times he wants to talk to me, make me like Jesus, and bring to mind his Word so that I might fight sin. He isn't just the God of help for early morning times of trouble, but the God who is our very present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1).
I have found that it's also in the moments when the baby rises early that the Spirit asks me: Now, will you trust that The Lord will sustain you even if your plans did not pan out? Will you trust he's making you look more like Jesus by sacrificing your time alone to care for these children? Will trust that you can still obey and walk in patience even without the planned time of reading? Yes, it's those times I can serve The Lord with gladness (Psalm 100:2)

I have found that God is making me more like his Son and communing with me not just before my kids refuse to listen, but when I'm actually swimming IN the pool (or is it more like a dirty, murky lake?) of disobedience from them, and they have fought hard against my instruction for hours, and I have done everything in my power to warn them: "Listen to me! We don't have to drown today! Listen to my instruction! Listen quickly!" It's in those waters God has shown me 2 Thessalonians 3:5-

"May God direct your hearts to the love of God and the steadfastness of Christ."

That has been a life-giving verse for me when I feel I'm drowning in the murky lake of disobedience inside the walls of my house, alone, when no one else can see but The Lord. And that verse quickly helps me fight in two ways: 1. The Lord loves both my children and me deeply, so my heart can quickly reach for thankfulness. 2. Jesus is steadfast and never runs out of patience and love towards those laid down his life for.

So I don't have to throw in the towel, because Jesus never does.

Turning 30

My husband turned 30 on January 10th. He struggled inwardly...something about that number was a drastic change for him. I'd say "Oh honey, 30 isn't even close to old yet. Not even a little bit. Embrace your youth for it still remains!"

But you know what? Here I am, sitting home alone, and it dawns on me that I will be turning 28 this year. I start to feel uneasy. First of all, it's quiet around here tonight, and when it's quiet here....well of course any particular strangeness can set in. But for me, it suddenly felt scary to be standing this close to 30.

I asked myself, Lisa, what could be your reason behind the fear? I mean, certainly you have many friends in their 30s, and some even run marathons, some continue to grow their families and just ooz with energy. Then I remembered that I had to question the state of my joints and muscles the other day at the thought of jumping on a trampoline and I thought, how is it I'm trying to even find solace in my friends who run marathons?! I'm questioning my age to even jump on a trampoline!

So I needed to back up, this whole marathon was just me getting distracted (thanks to my friends who are just laughing at my inability to run). What's so hard about leaving our twenties? Could it be...and then I had an idea. I know what it is. Something about turning 30 means you have this pressure of really being responsible and having your priorities completely lined up. Laughter.
This reminds me that I burn meals all the time, and that by the time I reach 30 that should not happen anymore. Like you're supposed to spend your 20s learning how to not burn food, and if that's true then I have two years to get it right. Two more years, then the bottom of the pot of chili should not be black. I cannot pretend that my meal is a 'smoky flavored meal' while trying to conceal the burned chicken. I cannot have a stack of darkened tortillas while I convince myself "this time I will NOT forget to flip this one and it will be beautifully cooked on both sides." I'm 30 now! I learned in my 20s how to cook meals! Right? Last week was the last pot of burnt chili?

Responsibility. 40 is the age we begin to truly feel old, but 30 is the responsibility pressure. I should add that I turned on the computer to meal plan for groceries tomorrow (oh, food again, I'm not planning chili) and I was completely sidetracked by my thoughts on turning 30. Responsibility at it's finest.

Never Lukewarm Again

We have all been there. We think we have found the perfect time to make the coffee and pour a cup and drink the whole thing till the last warm drop. We can picture it can't we? We sit in our favorite chair after it's all brewed and we even have time to read a book or something while we sip away. But reality tells us time and time again that a mother will get a couple sips into her coffee and after a few unexpected events with the littles, it's a nice creamy, lukewarm drink.

It's a must though, this coffee. In order for everyone to remain safe, caffeine needs to be flowing through my veins. But I can't swallow lukewarm coffee, I just can't. I can't even try plugging my nose and knocking it back.
That's just stupid. And I gag every time.

So I needed a better plan. I'm all about revising plans around here. If something is needed in order to function then I need to make it work. But what do you do about coffee? How do you just skip the whole brewing part and getting to the immediately getting it into your system part?

Then it came to me like a dream. Like there was a soft light that burst into the room and said "remember your Ikea thermos."

Oh yeah. I bought a thermos like forever ago. 6 dollars. DING DING.

Everyone, I now brew my coffee before bed. And it never goes cold. What? Yes. I brew my coffee, pour it into my thermos (again, Ikea, 6 dollars, we can all do this), tighten that lid, and no heat is lost from that crucial first cup I need to drink before kids wake up.

You too could never have a lukewarm cup of coffee ever again. Because you know what? If a child runs to me demanding justice from their sibling, I can pour that coffee back into the thermos (I mean it's almost like pausing time?), and click it back open at a more convenient time. Once all the boo boos are kissed, and peace is made between siblings...for a moment anyway.

I just wanted to share. I think this could save lives.

She's going to drink coffee with me someday

Rememberance: Where there's no straining for my eyes to see

I am sitting in the quiet of my living room as little ones sleep. This pregnancy has led me to eating lunch around 10:15 rather than noon. So as I unashamedly finish off a plate of spaghetti by mid morning, I sit here thinking about this new little one that has continued to grow inside me.

The gift of children has been quite the journey for us. For two and a half years God has lifted my eyes to trust him as he tells me that his 'word is upright and all his work is done in faithfulness' Psalm 33:4, a life giving verse for me in the midst of a trial that wanted to suck the life out of me.

As we first kissed our firstborn and buried him into the ground in the same week, the Lord stood guard over my heart from the hungry sins of bitterness, anger, and hopelessness who were always tempting me in my hours of sorrow. But The Lord stood in my sorrow, loudly declaring for me that if he did not spare his own son for my sin how could he also not provide me all things?
Since then, every pregnancy has been a step of faith onto a path to which the final destination is not visible. We cannot strain our eyes and squint hard enough to make sure we see a baby down the road that will survive after birth. What we can see is the Lord's faithfulness to us before, where there's no straining or squinting for our eyes to see. God has shown Ernie and I the power of remembering what He has done.

So I lay here, feeling the kicks of a little girl squirming inside me and I pray that she continues to kick and move and jump for 15 more weeks. I want her to live. I want to watch her grow and watch our son care for his younger sister. I do not want to place her in the ground. But my hope is not in a living child. My hope is that God emptied his anger and wrath on his son. He showed his son no mercy so that he could freely give mercy to me. In light of this hope, I can walk in faith with bearing or not bearing children, raising them or burying them.

Hymns: A Help To This Mother's Sorrow

The most glorious thing I enjoy on this earth is singing with others who share the same hope as I do in Jesus. I enjoy it most as we sing hymns, when they are sung from the soul, not just a hymnal or the screen. This particular thing Christians do together is the closest thing to heaven itself. It's like we can look around as we sing together and ask, don't you long for "oh that day when freed from sinning?" it's the one thing that currently keeps us from experiencing a pure joy of worship, we still sin. But if you know Jesus, you get a taste of that joy that will one day be pure.

Then came the day when our son, Haddon, died as he laid in our lap. Worship, and particularly hymns, took on a new meaning in my life. Suddenly singing about 'when sorrows like sea billows roll' was a daily reality. I have felt sorrow to such a degree that I thought I would be overtaken and drown. I have felt and cried to the Lord 'when darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.' But I also I learned that I like to sing a hymn in my grief because they are written in such a way that sums up our solid hope. Do you notice a pattern in most hymns?

1. We sin, and we are helpless to stand before God by ourselves

2. Jesus made that way to stand before God

3. Jesus was raised from the dead 

4. Praise God we will stand before him together for all of eternity free from sin 

I have a different joy now as I sing, because now its mixed with deep longing. I feel it rise in me as I sing: 

"when with the ransomed in Glory, 

his face I at last shall see. 

It will be my joy through the ages

To sing of his love for me."

To finally see his face, the one who took my son, yet showed me more about the worth of His son through unbelievable sorrow, I can't even sing with my voice. Tears overcome me when I sing of heaven. So I silently mouth a lot of songs in my home , my church and my car, but I silently mouth the words with my whole heart and soul.

(I realize no hymn or any song is compared to the comforts found from the Word of God. And, maybe as you look back on previous posts, God has certainly shown me that his word alone is what brings real, living hope when he allows sadness and sorrow to come.)

Doing Your Husband Good and Not Harm

"Remember, we're on the same team."

That's what my husband Ernie says to remind me that in our marriage we should always be for each other, thinking of the other, and seeking the other's good. Because sometimes I forget that, then it's as if Ernie and I are on different teams and things turn into a battle, and in battle you are only looking for how you can win and what will most benefit you. The worst part is when it's a battle, the other side is the enemy. Ugly.

Some friends and I are memorizing Proverbs 31:10-31. The last few days I have been thinking about verses 11-12:

"The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good, and not harm,

all the days of her life."

This catches my attention so much when I come across it, like I need it to be my alarm clock so that it's the first thing I hear every morning, so that I can remember that I'm not going into battle today, I'm looking to serve my husband today.

I thought through for a bit what it means to be bringing harm to your husband, and any husband who is a believer in Christ I think could tell you these are true. It's bringing harm to my husband when:

-I tear him down in front of other people, or talk about his weaknesses for fun.

-I dismiss his correction or I dismiss any kind of guidance in a conversation from him.

-I use words like "always" or "never". ie: "you always get mad" is communicating that Ernie is mad at me 24/7, "always" non stop. Which is never true. So he's left feeling like he's failing around the clock. It's not good to make the leader feel like such a failure.

-Putting the opinions of my friends or family above his.

-Assuming there's just things I already know about, so I don't need to necessarily take to heart if Ernie wants to guide me through like household things, details about the baby, ways I could grow in being hospitable, just things I see as 'woman stuff'.

-Feeling like I always have to correct him, especially in front of people.

-Using hateful words.


Just reading those feels draining, so I can only imagine trying to lead a wife or family and having those things beating me to a pulp spiritually. It will spiritually take a toll on them, it's worse than physically punching them in the face. If I'm doing that all the time, I'm killing him.That's why it's harmful.

Now, for a breath of fresh air (finally). Here's some ways I can be doing my husband good:

-Pray for my heart to have joy when he comes home from work. To be showing thankfulness that he's home with us and he's worked hard for us.

-Doing what I can to make our home a place of rest and encouragement for him.

-Listening to (even looking for) his guidance and leadership in our decisions and conversations.

-Taking to heart and reflecting on any correction he has for me, remembering God uses him to teach me things. Not seeing this as a way my husband is out to get me.

-Look for what he needs prayer for specifically and pray throughout your day for him.


I think when we are practically looking for ways to be "doing our husbands good and not harm", we are setting up an environment for our husbands to grow in their walk with the Lord. And our husbands have a sweet trust in us as their wives, because they know we desire for their good.

So, what are ways you can do your husband good and not harm?

Trusting Jesus

"On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, "Let us go across to the other side." And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him. And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Peace! Be still!" And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, "Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?" (Mark 4:35-41)

I was thinking today of the reasons why Jesus can say to his disciples "why are you so afraid?" in this portion of scripture. I would have been terrified. When waves tower over you, the wind is great, and the boat over the sea is sinking, there's room for all kinds of panic. At least it seems like it.

I was reminded of what Colossians 1:17 says about Jesus. That 'he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.' When Jesus was in Mary's womb, he was continuing to hold all things together. When he died on the cross, still he held all things together. So in this deep (apparently really deep) sleep, all things including the weather and waves of the ocean were being held together by him. Their lives, whether he would choose to let the waves overtake them or not, where being held together by him. He is the Son of God and there isn't a storm or circumstance that comes without his hand allowing it and orchestrating it.

To The Women Who Struggle This Mothers Day

Perhaps this Mother's Day is difficult for you and your heart is exhausted from all the celebration. I know that feeling. Last year was my very first Mother's Day, it had also been just a bit more than a month since I had lost my firstborn. I remember going to church was too painful so I spent the day with Ernie. Now each Mother's day will come with the desire to have my little Haddon with me as his daddy and siblings gather to say how much they love me. How sweet it would have been to have him today. If you are approaching today having lost a child, or you have longed for a child and cannot have one, you should know your pain never goes unseen by the Lord. I pray that you hold on to this truth today:

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

One thing I keep tucked away during days like this is that while the Lord is gathered with families celebrating with their mother, He is also gathered with the families who are mourning.The Lord is able to both rejoice and weep with his children at the same time. Remember that when the Lord says he is near to the brokenhearted, it is a promise he keeps.

Psalm 40:11

As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain
your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
ever preserve me! (Psalm 40:11)


Thankful to the Lord that I can trust his promises. This promise is so good to think on all day every day. No matter what the Lord brings us we can trust he is never, ever restraining mercy.

Psalm 116:15

When it's so painful to us, we can trust it's so precious to him. And they shall see him as he is.