My Boy

You will be here in 4 days. I will see you, cry in thankfulness to the Lord and kiss your sweet face.

To The Women Who Struggle This Mothers Day

Perhaps this Mother's Day is difficult for you and your heart is exhausted from all the celebration. I know that feeling. Last year was my very first Mother's Day, it had also been just a bit more than a month since I had lost my firstborn. I remember going to church was too painful so I spent the day with Ernie. Now each Mother's day will come with the desire to have my little Haddon with me as his daddy and siblings gather to say how much they love me. How sweet it would have been to have him today. If you are approaching today having lost a child, or you have longed for a child and cannot have one, you should know your pain never goes unseen by the Lord. I pray that you hold on to this truth today:

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18

One thing I keep tucked away during days like this is that while the Lord is gathered with families celebrating with their mother, He is also gathered with the families who are mourning.The Lord is able to both rejoice and weep with his children at the same time. Remember that when the Lord says he is near to the brokenhearted, it is a promise he keeps.

What I've Eaten

Saturdays with Spurgeon-5/5/12

“Is not the gospel its own sign and wonder? Is not this a miracle of miracles, that 'God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish'? Surely that precious word, 'Whosoever will, let him come and take the water of life freely' and that solemn promise, 'Him that cometh unto Me, I will in no wise cast out,' are better than signs and wonders! A truthful Saviour ought to be believed. He is truth itself. Why will you ask proof of the veracity of One who cannot lie?”
― Charles H. Spurgeon

Rosi

Rosi Golan plays so much in our home, it's like she's part of the fam.

Where is my rest?

It's days like yesterday that catch my heart off guard. Ernie goes out to get the mail and after he's finished going through it he says that Toys R Us sent us a coupon for Haddon's birthday, and it was interesting how they were so late. We're able to talk and laugh about things like that now, and I I did chuckle a bit. But I couldn't help but let my mind wander, and think to myself, Haddon what would you be like right now as my little one year old? My heart leaned for a moment to sadness. Babycenter still has Haddon on it's timeline and growing into a 13 month old so i receive articles with opening statements like "your child most likely has mastered the words mama and dada now". It's difficult to picture your child at a stage that you won't be able to share with them. It's difficult to not not know what it looks like for him to interact with us, to not know what it looks like for him to play or laugh at his daddy. There are many days were I am so thankful that his home is among the righteous and there's never a moment where he isn't beholding Jesus. Oh, isn't that what I want for my kids? Then there are days when I lose sight of the greatness of his reality and everything in me craves motherly moments that I picture: waking him up as he'd probably be so sleepy and placing him in a high chair, giving him Cheerios to munch on, singing songs to him as I make him a little breakfast. Or reading him books in his nursery. Showing him off at other "mom events" like story time. The list is huge of what I picture doing with him. Sometimes I think when I dream about all these things it's almost comforting, but then I think, is it? Or is my heart aching for things I can't have and fighting to change a situation that I will never get to change? Where is my rest, is my soul looking to the right things for battle when I am tempted to want something different than what God has given me? How often I have failed to look to Jesus, yet how often he reminds me of His word.

"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:11

I'm often ready to compare reading and feeding Haddon breakfast in the morning as something better than the fullness of joy he is having. I'm quick to think of hundreds of reasons why him out living his parents is better than the Lord's perfect plan for him to only live 40 hours and then entering into eternal life.

"He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103:10-14

No earthly possession that God takes from us compares to the great mercy he has shown us in our sin. There's no good that God has withheld from me, if he has removed my transgression and is merciful to me instead of repaying me with what I deserve.

I want to remember that for the next coupon that comes in the mail.

A Day Together

 

Today was a sweet day with my loving husband.

We spent some of our time at home, Ernie read and I worked on a set of small felt toys. He even brought out the guitar and played some songs he played for me when we were dating. One was "Chicago" by Mat Kearney, so wonderful.

We also took a walk. We talked a bit about a couple we knew from our days in Louisville, their baby girl Glory went to be with Jesus two days ago. Our hearts are so heavy for them as we remember what the first few days were like without our baby boy Haddon. By the grace of God, it's clear that they are trusting the Lord in their sadness. Glory's funeral is in a couple days, you could pray for them. Glory looks just like her mama. Psalm 40:11 is a deep truth for this type of sorrow, and you can pray for them to see God's promise of never withholding mercy from them.